Tag Archives: storms

I have a theory…

I was laying in bed, crying. I think this is about the forth day in a row I have found myself in tears. And there I was thinking to myself “I wanna die” not die die just I want everything that is me and human to die. I want just God to be alive in me and for everything that is my life be Christ and whatever pleases him.

That sounds profound but I know deep down that’s me not wanting to feel human emotions, I’m hurting and I don’t know if it will stop hurting soon but I hope it does.

One of the things that hurt me is my desire to be loved. I don’t want it anymore, I have never been loved humanly for as long as I been alive…my children aside. And I just don’t see a need for the feeling.

As I was laying there lost in thought, I said to myself, I can’t remember a person in the bible who was just never loved by anyone except God who had a happy ending, even Jesus had those who loved him despite the huge rejection he faced. Even Paul who went from persecuting Christian to preaching the gospel had followers and those who loved him.

It was this moment when I thought about this passage

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My Grace is sufficient of you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.

It was in that moment that I realised that I want amnesia from my past. I no longer wanna deal with the demons from my past.

I don’t wanna deal with memories of acts done to me.

I don’t wanna deal with reliving habits I took up as coping mechanism to avoid being victimised.

I don’t wanna deal with things and people making me believe that I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve respect and all I’m good for is sexual satisfaction for a man.

Paul was a great Apostle and his story of transformation perhaps the biggest of the time. But it seems easy for us to think it was easy, he went from being a persecutor to a respect Apostle.

I have theory, that maybe it wasn’t that easy. Maybe he did meet resistance, he met people reminding him of all that he was before. But more importantly he had to battle his own thoughts and doubts.

I have a theory that maybe the messenger of Satan was those thoughts, trying to cast doubt in him, trying to remind him of his inequities, his past and casting doubt of his worthiness.

And though it hurts so much maybe this is my thorn…it doesn’t make me feel any better but that’s all I feel in my spirit. This isn’t the first time I have felt like this. It’s not the first time I have wished God would take away this desire and this heart of mine.

Maybe one day I will feel heard, respected, worthy, cared for and loved. Maybe I won’t. But I suppose his grace is and will always be sufficient.

The biggest lie I ever believed….

I’m going to get right into it. Its taken me this long to get the courage to talk about this…

For as long as I can remember my biggest problem with the world, with my life was that things were not easy. I started having ungodly thoughts (as Mom would put it) from a very young age, they mainly involved wanting to be non existent… I guess death wasn’t something I could fully comprehend so I just wanted, wished rather,  to not exist. These progressed to being suicidal thoughts and I have been so close to attempting suicide 4 time in my life.

In the interest of full disclosure, the last time I really struggled with suicidal thoughts was nearly 13 months ago, it took me a whole 10 hours to drive what should have been 5 hours just to get home. It took praying, worship and on the phone prayers an conversations from one of my spiritual guides. I had to stop that many times and I had to drive that slow because high speeds and a motorway full of trucks just seemed like an easy way out. I could feel the battle, the friction between life and death so strongly inside of me… just because it was all too hard.

Continue reading The biggest lie I ever believed….

The danger in easy and simple

When I was 14 years old I had my first boyfriend. Things were relatively easy and innocent back then….until they were not. I remember a time we were faced with a looming end to our relationship he said to me during a conversation “you make everything sound simple and easy“.

I remember spending most of my teenage and early adult life confused as to what that means and how can simple and easy be bad.

As I look back at my life now, I realise how “easy” can be dangerously misleading.

Continue reading The danger in easy and simple