Tag Archives: religion

The biggest lie I ever believed….

I’m going to get right into it. Its taken me this long to get the courage to talk about this…

For as long as I can remember my biggest problem with the world, with my life was that things were not easy. I started having ungodly thoughts (as Mom would put it) from a very young age, they mainly involved wanting to be non existent… I guess death wasn’t something I could fully comprehend so I just wanted, wished rather,  to not exist. These progressed to being suicidal thoughts and I have been so close to attempting suicide 4 time in my life.

In the interest of full disclosure, the last time I really struggled with suicidal thoughts was nearly 13 months ago, it took me a whole 10 hours to drive what should have been 5 hours just to get home. It took praying, worship and on the phone prayers an conversations from one of my spiritual guides. I had to stop that many times and I had to drive that slow because high speeds and a motorway full of trucks just seemed like an easy way out. I could feel the battle, the friction between life and death so strongly inside of me… just because it was all too hard.

Continue reading The biggest lie I ever believed….

Could disobedience be blocking you?

In all my life and in my journey as a Christian, I don’t think I have ever considered what the consequences of disobedience are. In the back of my mind I knew there were some lasting consequences, such as your name not being in the book of life, but it never occurred to me until I experienced some immediate consequences…

I haven’t posted for a while now, and it was simply because of my disobedience, I felt quite blocked and couldn’t do anything, but perhaps more disturbing was feeling an emptiness and pull away from God’s presence…

Continue reading Could disobedience be blocking you?

Take Jesus off the drivers seat.

I was driving last night, both kids fast asleep in the back and my church girl music on. I was in full worship mode.

I kept getting that feeling that there was something on my left, my guess is it was just reflection of the passenger seatbelt, there was no one on that seat, I knew that but I kept turning and looking that side…

So I jokingly said to myself, maybe Jesus is there next to me. Almost like a reflex I thought ‘no Jesus is supposed to be on the drivers seat of my life not the passenger’

….and that’s how this controversial blog title came from so hear me out. Continue reading Take Jesus off the drivers seat.

What’s on the other side of this Crap….

I was on youtube the other day just looking for something to watch and listen to. I came across a sermon titled “what’s on the other side of this crap” I know I know, call the Pharisees because this pastor just used non-Christian like language.

But if we being honest, most of us ask ourselves this question at least once or twice during our lifetime. You are struggling, life seems to be full of one obstacle after another, whether it’s lack, sickness, addiction or even just fear… Continue reading What’s on the other side of this Crap….

God speaks

I have this post that I wanna write about, I been promising myself i’m going to write it next but every time, something drops in my spirit and I just have to write about that instead. I was reading @beautybeyondbones and she wrote about her experience with two different churches and just how as a Christians we really shouldn’t be this divided. I grew up in a traditional Methodist Church, I spent years in Hillsong Church and now attend a Pentecostal church.

There is so much I can say about the battles of the denomination but after reading that post, I found myself being more aware of it, and its just stuck with me, why do we criticize so much how another person worships God? I wanted to title this post Christian Hunger games, but decided not to…

Whilst I have a home church, I also have different churches I attend, I have friend who is an SDA pastor and occasional visit his church, I also have a friend who’s is a pastor in a CRC Church that I attend occasionally.

This past weekend I observed the sabbath for the first time, and I decided to watch re-runs of the I AM WOMAN conference. After the message ended I started to prepare myself for bed and tidy up the living room, youtube played the next video for me, and I remember just hearing the words, “what are we going to do about Beth Moore” and that caught my attention. 30 minutes later the entire segment was a critic of this preacher’s teaching because;

  • She said God spoke to her;
  • She believed God prompted her to do an act of kindness as opposed witnessing to the person about Jesus
  • She asked someone directly if they knew Jesus
  • Her testimony didn’t end with someone at church with her
  • She didn’t stick to the law in the Bible

I wanted to title this post 21st century pharisees. The people in this segment(who were preachers themselves) were so concerned about the law, essentially saying as Christians we need to stick to only speaking about what the Bible says and “how dare we say God speaks to us.”

Why did I feel like writing this post?

Well on Sunday night, as I was getting mine and the girls things ready for the school/work week, I was thinking back on those things I wanna blog about, about how I really came to an understanding of God and his love for me but more importantly why I didn’t see it for so long despite knowing God and believing in Christ. As I was deep in though, a song came to mind, dare I say God spoke to me, through a song, a rather popular pop song. Very inappropriate to the traditionalists but very appropriate to my current thoughts, the lyrics goes a little like this

I see you, you with him, he ain’t right but you don’t trip

You stand by, while he lies, then turn right round and forgive

I can’t take, to see your face with those tears running down yo cheeks

But what can I do, I gotta stay true, because deep down I’m still a G

This is my testimony, for me personally, the main thing that’s held me back from God was seeking love and approval from people. Whether it was my mother, my family, or relationships I been in. I have spent the majority of my life, wanting to be loved and staying in unhealthy relationships, making unhealthy bonds and attachments to things that couldn’t possibly fill me. I remember clear as day , thinking about my life and where I been and thinking, ‘how painful it must have been for God to see me going through all that when all I needed was to turn to him.’ And that was my turning point.

And I don’t wanna come between you and your man,

Even tho I know I’ll treat you better than he can

Girl I can’t help but wait

Till you get back wit him, it don’t change (Can’t help but wait)

Till you see that wit me, it ain’t the same (Can’t help but wait)

Till you, see you, for what you really are (Baby girl you are a star)

And I can’t help but wait

And what I have since learned about God. He respects us, he doesn’t invade us, force us to do what we aren’t willing to do. As crazy as it sounds, this was God speaking to me, because when I start to think about his love for me, and the journey I took instead, I beat myself up about knowing better but not doing better, I question why didn’t God just pull me and smack me right back in line. And he choose this unconventional song to say, I saw you for who you really were even when you were entangled up in sin, I was God I am God and will always be God, I can’t help but wait for you to see that.

So whats this got to do with Christian hunger games?

I have known God for as long as I can remember. I was not dragged to church as a child, Jesus led me there. All my life I have always felt a pull to him and to church. But nobody told me I had to have a relationship with God. All I did was try to live by the law , and when I tell you its hard, IT IS HARD. God knew that, that’s why he sent his one and only son to die for us.

Lets all love God in our own way, worship him and give him the Glory. I believe Jesus established a new covenant, based on relationship, I believe God gives us the gift of prophecy, I believe God speaks to all of us, at the same time I believe traditions are sacred. Whatever brings you closer to God and strengthens your relationship with him. Trust in him and he will lead the way.