It’s morning and I want more than anything to choose life, to choose me. I have a pain in my heart, a pain I don’t know how to heal. I’m torn….
When I was a little child I needed to be loved accepted and kept safe. I was born in circumstances where I couldn’t be, I spent my whole life battling the thought, ‘if my own parents couldn’t love me enough to choose me…what does that say about me.’ And really what would it have looked like to be chosen? What does it look like…?
Continue reading Can one be torn and broken at the same time?
I’m going to get right into it. Its taken me this long to get the courage to talk about this…
For as long as I can remember my biggest problem with the world, with my life was that things were not easy. I started having ungodly thoughts (as Mom would put it) from a very young age, they mainly involved wanting to be non existent… I guess death wasn’t something I could fully comprehend so I just wanted, wished rather, to not exist. These progressed to being suicidal thoughts and I have been so close to attempting suicide 4 time in my life.
In the interest of full disclosure, the last time I really struggled with suicidal thoughts was nearly 13 months ago, it took me a whole 10 hours to drive what should have been 5 hours just to get home. It took praying, worship and on the phone prayers an conversations from one of my spiritual guides. I had to stop that many times and I had to drive that slow because high speeds and a motorway full of trucks just seemed like an easy way out. I could feel the battle, the friction between life and death so strongly inside of me… just because it was all too hard.
Continue reading The biggest lie I ever believed….
It’s been a very interesting couple of days for me. Since writing about my own experiences with sexual trauma my mind has been a bit all over the place. I felt a bit bad about using another person story and whole heatedly hoped that it didn’t seem like I was comparing myself to her, because I was not, my situation was no where close to hers and I’m certain our experiences the same.
As God would have it, I discovered an entry I wrote on my computer almost a year ago, I don’t journal but for as long as I can remember when something is weighing me down I will write about it, because of this I have random word documents everywhere about everything you can think of. I read this particular one for the first time since it was written almost a year ago. When I read it, I heard God say it is finished, the chains are broken and you are set free.
This entry was all the battles I struggled with in my mind and heart, it’s basically my thought pattern, I don’t actually remember what was going on when I was writing it, other than I was sitting in the middle of my backyard and just typing what came through my head.
And I don’t know what this is about, but i feel proud when i read it, proud of who i am and my journey and what I’m doing with myself now…
Continue reading It is Finished…
This is by far the most personal and hard post I ever had to do. I know I have to write it for no other reason than to let it out. I been sick to my stomach just thinking about these things.
With the release of Cyntoia Brown coming in next few days she’s been in the news again. And I have to say I thank God that she gets a second chance at life but mostly that her story is already impacting so many young life’s and will hopefully impact much more. Continue reading Pretty Hurts
I was on youtube the other day just looking for something to watch and listen to. I came across a sermon titled “what’s on the other side of this crap” I know I know, call the Pharisees because this pastor just used non-Christian like language.
But if we being honest, most of us ask ourselves this question at least once or twice during our lifetime. You are struggling, life seems to be full of one obstacle after another, whether it’s lack, sickness, addiction or even just fear… Continue reading What’s on the other side of this Crap….