I started to blog more regularly as part of my healing process from shame. It seemed like the more I talked about it, the more light can come into my life.

I remember the day I made the decision, sitting in my car crying and just overwhelmed by so much going on around me. At the centre of it was shame, the process of just thinking about everything I have done in my life and just feeling so worthless and horrible. The worst part of it was feeling like I have no right to seek help, I’m not deserving of mercy or even life because I did all those things, I engaged in that promiscuous behaviour, I got myself into the bottle and even the sexual abuse, I exposed myself to those situations.

I ended up writing this on that day. It wasn’t so much that I believed it then but I definitely  needed it more than I could ever imagine, and I just allowed the Holy Spirit to pour it out.

The biggest complaint I have now is simply that there is so much out there on how to deal with trauma, and bad things happening to you, and the more I listened to that the more the voice in my head became louder ‘well nothing happened to you, you did that to yourself.’ and  when it does, I’m still left alone and in a dark space.

Continue reading Should have known and Could have done better →