Tag Archives: Grace

christian, easter, God, holidays

Silence

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This Passover season, this beautiful time of story of our redemption God had a message for me that is not one I ever think of at this time. After all this is a time of victory, a miraculous story of a man they killed a criminal death only for him to not just forgive them during the act but to rise again and ensure their salvation and place in the kingdom.

I have a desire in me, I have been fasting every Wednesday since about February this year. The weekend before I felt God tell me I need to extend my fast this week, the week of Passover he needed to show me something.

I’m going to be honest here, I have done 21 day fasts and that alone has been hard, God wanted me to do a full fast. I said “ok God I have heard people having juices during these sorts of fast, I can have some too right” and he said no.

I fasted, I drank my water and I struggled to keep up with my work, my children. But I was obedient. But something was different..

I felt this extreme silence that I initially thought was just emptiness but it was silence. You can imagine my confusion, this is the first time I’m doing a full fast, denying my stomach and I’m hearing nothing from God.

As I taught my children about the death and resurrection of Jesus, I finally glued it.

Good Friday we remember the journey to the cross, the fear in all the disciples, the sorrow felt by Jesus, the moment of darkness as the messiah breathed his last breath and the disciples scattered.

On Resurrection Sunday we celebrate the victory, Jesus has risen, death has been defeated, our salvation has finally come. God has worked it all out and we have been set free.

While I hungered and fasted and prayed I heard God say to me; what do you think Saturday was like.

SILENCE

I pondered on this, Jesus is in the tomb, the Jewish leaders are going about the Shabbat, the Romans are doing whatever, what was this day like for his disciples and believers? We have the benefit of knowing how the story ends but I cannot fathom what this moment must have been like for everyone else. The silence must have been overwhelming, I bet they felt the hope slowly leave their being, the faith deplete? I wonder.

This is where faith lives God says. We so easily speak of hills and valleys, the mountain tops and the rock bottom. But how is your faith when it’s all silent and seems like life as normal. Nothing miraculous happening, no tribulation or suffering, just nothingness…when it often seems like God is not near…

Think about this, they were living their everyday life, going about their jobs. Then suddenly this man came, is he a prophet? This then went on to become years of miracle after miracle, healing of the sick, feeding the thousands, it was exhilarating. Now he has been crucified and buried. What now? Peter went fishing, back to life as he knew it….

To be able to experience the presence of God in the middle when nothing is happening is another Gift of this season. And as I felt God this Saturday, as I felt God in my life in this seemingly insignificant I couldn’t help be even the more grateful. God who has so much to do in this world, can still sit with me when I have no pressing matters.

While we remember God in the dark times and praise him in the good times, let’s not forget he is also the God of the middle, even in the silence he is there, in times you think you have no needs, he is there. That is the love of God, the unearned, undeserved Grace of God.

christian, faith, God

We don’t know what we don’t know..But God does.

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I have been getting a little frustrated about my inability to write, I had something in mind to talk about but I kept feeling in my spirit that I have not yet had the full revelation…and then it came in the most unexpected way a thought planted in my mind

“it was never about the fall, it was always about the come back.

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christian, healing, relationship, sexual abuse

I have a theory…

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I was laying in bed, crying. I think this is about the forth day in a row I have found myself in tears. And there I was thinking to myself “I wanna die” not die die just I want everything that is me and human to die. I want just God to be alive in me and for everything that is my life be Christ and whatever pleases him.

That sounds profound but I know deep down that’s me not wanting to feel human emotions, I’m hurting and I don’t know if it will stop hurting soon but I hope it does.

One of the things that hurt me is my desire to be loved. I don’t want it anymore, I have never been loved humanly for as long as I been alive…my children aside. And I just don’t see a need for the feeling.

As I was laying there lost in thought, I said to myself, I can’t remember a person in the bible who was just never loved by anyone except God who had a happy ending, even Jesus had those who loved him despite the huge rejection he faced. Even Paul who went from persecuting Christian to preaching the gospel had followers and those who loved him.

It was this moment when I thought about this passage

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My Grace is sufficient of you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.

It was in that moment that I realised that I want amnesia from my past. I no longer wanna deal with the demons from my past.

I don’t wanna deal with memories of acts done to me.

I don’t wanna deal with reliving habits I took up as coping mechanism to avoid being victimised.

I don’t wanna deal with things and people making me believe that I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve respect and all I’m good for is sexual satisfaction for a man.

Paul was a great Apostle and his story of transformation perhaps the biggest of the time. But it seems easy for us to think it was easy, he went from being a persecutor to a respect Apostle.

I have theory, that maybe it wasn’t that easy. Maybe he did meet resistance, he met people reminding him of all that he was before. But more importantly he had to battle his own thoughts and doubts.

I have a theory that maybe the messenger of Satan was those thoughts, trying to cast doubt in him, trying to remind him of his inequities, his past and casting doubt of his worthiness.

And though it hurts so much maybe this is my thorn…it doesn’t make me feel any better but that’s all I feel in my spirit. This isn’t the first time I have felt like this. It’s not the first time I have wished God would take away this desire and this heart of mine.

Maybe one day I will feel heard, respected, worthy, cared for and loved. Maybe I won’t. But I suppose his grace is and will always be sufficient.

faith, God, healing, life

Should have known and Could have done better

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I started to blog more regularly as part of my healing process from shame. It seemed like the more I talked about it, the more light can come into my life.

I remember the day I made the decision, sitting in my car crying and just overwhelmed by so much going on around me. At the centre of it was shame, the process of just thinking about everything I have done in my life and just feeling so worthless and horrible. The worst part of it was feeling like I have no right to seek help, I’m not deserving of mercy or even life because I did all those things, I engaged in that promiscuous behaviour, I got myself into the bottle and even the sexual abuse, I exposed myself to those situations.

I ended up writing this on that day. It wasn’t so much that I believed it then but I definitely  needed it more than I could ever imagine, and I just allowed the Holy Spirit to pour it out.

The biggest complaint I have now is simply that there is so much out there on how to deal with trauma, and bad things happening to you, and the more I listened to that the more the voice in my head became louder ‘well nothing happened to you, you did that to yourself.’ and  when it does, I’m still left alone and in a dark space.

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