I’m going to get right into it. Its taken me this long to get the courage to talk about this…
For as long as I can remember my biggest problem with the world, with my life was that things were not easy. I started having ungodly thoughts (as Mom would put it) from a very young age, they mainly involved wanting to be non existent… I guess death wasn’t something I could fully comprehend so I just wanted, wished rather, to not exist. These progressed to being suicidal thoughts and I have been so close to attempting suicide 4 time in my life.
In the interest of full disclosure, the last time I really struggled with suicidal thoughts was nearly 13 months ago, it took me a whole 10 hours to drive what should have been 5 hours just to get home. It took praying, worship and on the phone prayers an conversations from one of my spiritual guides. I had to stop that many times and I had to drive that slow because high speeds and a motorway full of trucks just seemed like an easy way out. I could feel the battle, the friction between life and death so strongly inside of me… just because it was all too hard.
Continue reading The biggest lie I ever believed….
Firstly, apologies for the long absence. I took some time off to enjoy a well deserved holiday with my daughters and also visit some of my family in Africa.
My trip home was quite a bitter sweet experience, one that was so different from all the other times. And the topic of today was the very reasons.
Continue reading Desires, Interpretation and Longing for God.
In all my life and in my journey as a Christian, I don’t think I have ever considered what the consequences of disobedience are. In the back of my mind I knew there were some lasting consequences, such as your name not being in the book of life, but it never occurred to me until I experienced some immediate consequences…
I haven’t posted for a while now, and it was simply because of my disobedience, I felt quite blocked and couldn’t do anything, but perhaps more disturbing was feeling an emptiness and pull away from God’s presence…
Continue reading Could disobedience be blocking you?
I was driving last night, both kids fast asleep in the back and my church girl music on. I was in full worship mode.
I kept getting that feeling that there was something on my left, my guess is it was just reflection of the passenger seatbelt, there was no one on that seat, I knew that but I kept turning and looking that side…
So I jokingly said to myself, maybe Jesus is there next to me. Almost like a reflex I thought ‘no Jesus is supposed to be on the drivers seat of my life not the passenger’
….and that’s how this controversial blog title came from so hear me out. Continue reading Take Jesus off the drivers seat.
I started to blog more regularly as part of my healing process from shame. It seemed like the more I talked about it, the more light can come into my life.
I remember the day I made the decision, sitting in my car crying and just overwhelmed by so much going on around me. At the centre of it was shame, the process of just thinking about everything I have done in my life and just feeling so worthless and horrible. The worst part of it was feeling like I have no right to seek help, I’m not deserving of mercy or even life because I did all those things, I engaged in that promiscuous behaviour, I got myself into the bottle and even the sexual abuse, I exposed myself to those situations.
I ended up writing this on that day. It wasn’t so much that I believed it then but I definitely needed it more than I could ever imagine, and I just allowed the Holy Spirit to pour it out.
The biggest complaint I have now is simply that there is so much out there on how to deal with trauma, and bad things happening to you, and the more I listened to that the more the voice in my head became louder ‘well nothing happened to you, you did that to yourself.’ and when it does, I’m still left alone and in a dark space.
Continue reading Should have known and Could have done better