I have been getting a little frustrated about my inability to write, I had something in mind to talk about but I kept feeling in my spirit that I have not yet had the full revelation…and then it came in the most unexpected way a thought planted in my mind
“it was never about the fall, it was always about the come back.
Continue reading We don’t know what we don’t know..But God does.
I’m going to get right into it. Its taken me this long to get the courage to talk about this…
For as long as I can remember my biggest problem with the world, with my life was that things were not easy. I started having ungodly thoughts (as Mom would put it) from a very young age, they mainly involved wanting to be non existent… I guess death wasn’t something I could fully comprehend so I just wanted, wished rather, to not exist. These progressed to being suicidal thoughts and I have been so close to attempting suicide 4 time in my life.
In the interest of full disclosure, the last time I really struggled with suicidal thoughts was nearly 13 months ago, it took me a whole 10 hours to drive what should have been 5 hours just to get home. It took praying, worship and on the phone prayers an conversations from one of my spiritual guides. I had to stop that many times and I had to drive that slow because high speeds and a motorway full of trucks just seemed like an easy way out. I could feel the battle, the friction between life and death so strongly inside of me… just because it was all too hard.
When I was 14 years old I had my first boyfriend. Things were relatively easy and innocent back then….until they were not. I remember a time we were faced with a looming end to our relationship he said to me during a conversation “you make everything sound simple and easy“.
I remember spending most of my teenage and early adult life confused as to what that means and how can simple and easy be bad.
As I look back at my life now, I realise how “easy” can be dangerously misleading.
IT’S WHO I AM 