When I was growing up, I was surrounded by a lot of talk about demons and spiritual attacks. Full disclosure I used to always think that it’s just an exaggeration and would find logical reasons to explain what is going on….
So you can imagine how blown away I was as things start to happen around me that I can only describe as spiritual battles.
Continue reading The battle is not over, the venue has just changed
I started to blog more regularly as part of my healing process from shame. It seemed like the more I talked about it, the more light can come into my life.
I remember the day I made the decision, sitting in my car crying and just overwhelmed by so much going on around me. At the centre of it was shame, the process of just thinking about everything I have done in my life and just feeling so worthless and horrible. The worst part of it was feeling like I have no right to seek help, I’m not deserving of mercy or even life because I did all those things, I engaged in that promiscuous behaviour, I got myself into the bottle and even the sexual abuse, I exposed myself to those situations.
I ended up writing this on that day. It wasn’t so much that I believed it then but I definitely needed it more than I could ever imagine, and I just allowed the Holy Spirit to pour it out.
The biggest complaint I have now is simply that there is so much out there on how to deal with trauma, and bad things happening to you, and the more I listened to that the more the voice in my head became louder ‘well nothing happened to you, you did that to yourself.’ and when it does, I’m still left alone and in a dark space.
Continue reading Should have known and Could have done better
I spent the whole day in mental health first aid training on Tuesday, it was extremely exhausting and overwhelming for me. As a person who has struggled with mental health and suicidal thoughts, the topic is such an eggshell experience. I realise now that i’m scared of being triggered more than anything else.
That same evening, I also had bible study, it so happened that the conversations at bible study was around the same thing, mental health and the concept of a prospering soul. I had a conversation with a friend of mine afterwards and she was quite taken back by what she called a coincidence. I had already talked to her after work about how the training made me feel, and was now explaining that because of bible study I now feel much better.
My friend then said something that I have heard so many times and just used to dislike, she said “I wouldn’t have thought that something like that would bother you, you always seem to be so strong and handle everything well”…..
and so here we are talking about mental health, and identity..
Continue reading It’s who I am