I have a theory…

I was laying in bed, crying. I think this is about the forth day in a row I have found myself in tears. And there I was thinking to myself “I wanna die” not die die just I want everything that is me and human to die. I want just God to be alive in me and for everything that is my life be Christ and whatever pleases him.

That sounds profound but I know deep down that’s me not wanting to feel human emotions, I’m hurting and I don’t know if it will stop hurting soon but I hope it does.

One of the things that hurt me is my desire to be loved. I don’t want it anymore, I have never been loved humanly for as long as I been alive…my children aside. And I just don’t see a need for the feeling.

As I was laying there lost in thought, I said to myself, I can’t remember a person in the bible who was just never loved by anyone except God who had a happy ending, even Jesus had those who loved him despite the huge rejection he faced. Even Paul who went from persecuting Christian to preaching the gospel had followers and those who loved him.

It was this moment when I thought about this passage

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My Grace is sufficient of you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.

It was in that moment that I realised that I want amnesia from my past. I no longer wanna deal with the demons from my past.

I don’t wanna deal with memories of acts done to me.

I don’t wanna deal with reliving habits I took up as coping mechanism to avoid being victimised.

I don’t wanna deal with things and people making me believe that I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve respect and all I’m good for is sexual satisfaction for a man.

Paul was a great Apostle and his story of transformation perhaps the biggest of the time. But it seems easy for us to think it was easy, he went from being a persecutor to a respect Apostle.

I have theory, that maybe it wasn’t that easy. Maybe he did meet resistance, he met people reminding him of all that he was before. But more importantly he had to battle his own thoughts and doubts.

I have a theory that maybe the messenger of Satan was those thoughts, trying to cast doubt in him, trying to remind him of his inequities, his past and casting doubt of his worthiness.

And though it hurts so much maybe this is my thorn…it doesn’t make me feel any better but that’s all I feel in my spirit. This isn’t the first time I have felt like this. It’s not the first time I have wished God would take away this desire and this heart of mine.

Maybe one day I will feel heard, respected, worthy, cared for and loved. Maybe I won’t. But I suppose his grace is and will always be sufficient.

I Am My Own Hero

About three years ago when I was still on Facebook I wrote a note titled “I Am My Own Hero” I have since deleted my account and don’t really have a recollection of the exact words. I do remember though that I wrote that piece to remind myself that things aren’t just going to happen, that I need to act and put some effort in to make it happen. But more importantly that I alone was enough to create the life I want, I don’t need to be saved.

I wrote that post reflecting on the last 7 years of my life, moving to Australia, the mental health breakdown, the suicidal thoughts, unplanned pregnancy. I was amazed that despite all the curve balls life threw at me, I had managed to not just survive but make it to half way through my degree, something that was such a huge accomplishment for me. And as I sat there thinking about where I been, I knew I needed to keep going despite the storm swirling around me.

This year marks 10 years since the first time I attempted suicide. It was early in the year, 10 years ago when that happened, the rest of that year was just like a dark cloud and it was in the last month of the year that I found out I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. I have been reflecting on the miracle that is my life. From growing up with a narrative that I shouldn’t exist, I was never going to amount to anything, I brought shame to the family, to just being alive 29 years later, with a life generally put together, without even naming any accomplishments.

All of this sounds very simple on paper, but I cannot even begin to explain what this means to me. When I look back at my life I just don’t know how I ended up here, It can only be God. And forget the last 29 or 10 years, I cannot even find anything in me alone that could have made it possible for me to build a career, complete my LLM, parent two children and still maintain a good mental health state. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for what God has done with my life..

Over the last 2 weeks I have been reminded of that note again, the title has been popping up quite regularly, “I Am My Own Hero”

I am being challenged, challenged to choose between my default behaviours and my faith. Sometimes we think of these challenges as being  as simple as being presented with two options and you just pick one and keep going. But the thing about your defaults is that they are such a part of normalised behaviour, you don’t often think about it before you do it, its a reflex, it just happens. So I find myself here;

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Romans 7:15-20

And I was reminded of this;

Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

Matthew 26:41

I fell to my knees and prayed, continuously I prayed. I prayed for God to do something, I made it his responsibility, he needed to do something drastic in my life… I wanted God to take away the options so I can just cruise through this “Christian life”

I have enjoyed living in the peacefulnesses of his presence I think I forgot what it took to get me here, and now I just want life to be a smooth ride where I don’t have to make decisions and there is no expectations of me. Yes I want Jesus to take the wheel of my life. And if you read my previous post then we both know that’s just not how it works.

This was the only answer I got from God. He reminded me of the encouragement I gave myself all those years ago. Reminding me that no knight in shining armour is coming to slay the dragon that enslaves me, no one is coming to decide for me, this particular person is definitely not going to make the choice for me.

Obedience.

Every day that we are alive we choose to obey one something, the laws of our countries, our company’s policies, social norms, traditions imposed on us, our own desires or God. Its often to obey something when you don’t have two conflicting options, but I’m realising now that it is when you have to choose to obey God above all else that it matters the most.

As a baby Christian I never imagined that I would have my faith tested in such a way and so soon. As I continue to battle with obedience I keep thinking to myself that God will still love me either way, and that’s true, But, the Holy Spirit is so alive in me that the conviction is so strong I cannot silence it.

I been reading the book of 1 Kings as part of my daily devotions, and as I go through King after King who was anointed by God, blessed and favoured and went on to disobey God and do things detestable in his eyes, I cant help but feel like I’m headed in this direction.

As I continue to pray over this, praying for God to strengthen my faith, friend pray with me. Pray with me that when its all said and done I would be able to also recite these words;

I know  You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

Song “Even If” MercyMe

The view from my insecurities (Part 2)

Few months back I wrote about my insecurities and how they have affected my life. I wasn’t planning on writing about this again but lately I have been thinking about insecurities again and just noticing some of them pop up in my life.

It’s come to my attention that every time someone asks me about my past, I get scared, my heart races and suddenly I feel like I’m taking some sort of a test, FEAR. Instead of seeing this as some one being interested in who I am, my insecurities remind me of the most painful parts of my past, they begin to lie to me that I’m not worthy and tell me that this person is judging me and he/she will reject me once they see who i “trulyam.

Continue reading The view from my insecurities (Part 2)

Living my best life- the deception

On my last post I spoke about the biggest lie I have believed. Since then I got to thinking about yet another lie of this world one that I see a lot of people believing and living in and i myself sometimes struggle with, despite knowing better.

Living my best life.

It’s obvious that everyone wants to live the best life that the can, and I do believe that God wants us to have the best life, he says in Ephesians he has plans to prosper and not harm us, plans to give us hope and a future.

The issue I have now is the context within which the term “living my best life” has been used especially in comparison to the concept of a Christian life. Continue reading Living my best life- the deception

The biggest lie I ever believed….

I’m going to get right into it. Its taken me this long to get the courage to talk about this…

For as long as I can remember my biggest problem with the world, with my life was that things were not easy. I started having ungodly thoughts (as Mom would put it) from a very young age, they mainly involved wanting to be non existent… I guess death wasn’t something I could fully comprehend so I just wanted, wished rather,  to not exist. These progressed to being suicidal thoughts and I have been so close to attempting suicide 4 time in my life.

In the interest of full disclosure, the last time I really struggled with suicidal thoughts was nearly 13 months ago, it took me a whole 10 hours to drive what should have been 5 hours just to get home. It took praying, worship and on the phone prayers an conversations from one of my spiritual guides. I had to stop that many times and I had to drive that slow because high speeds and a motorway full of trucks just seemed like an easy way out. I could feel the battle, the friction between life and death so strongly inside of me… just because it was all too hard.

Continue reading The biggest lie I ever believed….

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” ‭