I was laying in bed, crying. I think this is about the forth day in a row I have found myself in tears. And there I was thinking to myself “I wanna die” not die die just I want everything that is me and human to die. I want just God to be alive in me and for everything that is my life be Christ and whatever pleases him.
That sounds profound but I know deep down that’s me not wanting to feel human emotions, I’m hurting and I don’t know if it will stop hurting soon but I hope it does.
One of the things that hurt me is my desire to be loved. I don’t want it anymore, I have never been loved humanly for as long as I been alive…my children aside. And I just don’t see a need for the feeling.
As I was laying there lost in thought, I said to myself, I can’t remember a person in the bible who was just never loved by anyone except God who had a happy ending, even Jesus had those who loved him despite the huge rejection he faced. Even Paul who went from persecuting Christian to preaching the gospel had followers and those who loved him.
It was this moment when I thought about this passage
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My Grace is sufficient of you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.
It was in that moment that I realised that I want amnesia from my past. I no longer wanna deal with the demons from my past.
I don’t wanna deal with memories of acts done to me.
I don’t wanna deal with reliving habits I took up as coping mechanism to avoid being victimised.
I don’t wanna deal with things and people making me believe that I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve respect and all I’m good for is sexual satisfaction for a man.
Paul was a great Apostle and his story of transformation perhaps the biggest of the time. But it seems easy for us to think it was easy, he went from being a persecutor to a respect Apostle.
I have theory, that maybe it wasn’t that easy. Maybe he did meet resistance, he met people reminding him of all that he was before. But more importantly he had to battle his own thoughts and doubts.
I have a theory that maybe the messenger of Satan was those thoughts, trying to cast doubt in him, trying to remind him of his inequities, his past and casting doubt of his worthiness.
And though it hurts so much maybe this is my thorn…it doesn’t make me feel any better but that’s all I feel in my spirit. This isn’t the first time I have felt like this. It’s not the first time I have wished God would take away this desire and this heart of mine.
Maybe one day I will feel heard, respected, worthy, cared for and loved. Maybe I won’t. But I suppose his grace is and will always be sufficient.