A question that a lot of us contemplate at some point in our lives, who am I? I suppose if you haven’t you are the lucky few. But what brings it up?

I wonder if the reason I did was that I wanted to fit in somewhere anywhere but felt like I couldn’t. Or was it I wanted so desperately to be like everyone or ‘normal’. For the majority of the years I have been depressed and struggled with anxiety there’s one thing I always wanted, something to grip and say this is who T is, this is me in all my glory.

Imagine my surprise when I finally realized that what I have been looking for is in me, I already have. What I believe I want is nothing but an illusion. Who I am Is just a confirmation of physical part, perceptions, preconditions and emotions. There’s no single thing I can hold on to that stands separate to all else that I can say this is me.

The idea that I’m not separate from all the things that make me, from my environment and from everything else around me has been liberating, indeed a path to enlightenment.

As of now, as I am on this journey, who I don’t matter because who I am is not permanent, what I am now is not who I was yesterday, an hour ago nor who I will be tomorrow. My actions, reactions and emotions do not define me, they define my experience in the given circumstances.

This year  began rather strong for me, I guess being confronted with this life and balancing a career and kids and one going to school, it all became too much. My annual depression visit came a little early, although luckily my anxiety was a bit down.

Its no secret, maybe not widely talked about that I have had such a hard time with feeling like 2014 and in some way first part of 2015 I didn’t learn anything, I didn’t get anything from those years I could apply to my life, it was all confirmation of those things I already knew about myself.

Looking back 2016 was a ride, one that was filled with nothing but anxiety, when 2016 began I was convinced I had to take back my life by planning every detail of it and having everyone around me prove they deserved to be in my life. Did I achieve any of it, no..but I did learn something anxiety will suffocate me and suck the life out of me if I let it.

It’s only the second month of the year and I feel like I have learnt so much, I believe these are very important  things and I guess that’s why I document it, so I can look back whenever things are looking a bit dark.

1. Don’t put a time on it

When I was talking to my mother, God bless  her, she really didn’t know how to handle it, finally knowing the darkness I live with, the only thing she could say was that, don’t put a time on anything. And she’s right anxiety  tells you that everything is urgent  it needs to be done now, depression  tells you you are worthless, all this time has passed and you accomplishmed nothing. And she’s right all pity parties are full of I should have done this and that by this time and that’s how you get in deeper and deeper. That was 2016 for me chasing time, nothing going according to plan because month after month passing by and my plan still left behind.

2. Jump on it and use it

Another friend of mine on two occasions said something that stuck with me about anxiety. He said anxiety is like your body telling you there’s a lion in front of you, now how are you going to react, try to run from a pigment of your imagination? If you can really believe that  a lion is in front if you so well you body believes it then jump on it and use it to get through all the other challenges. He add, be aggressive so aggressive to get through the anxiety just as aggressive as you are when getting rid of cockroaches  in your house.

3. Acceptance can sometimes set  you free.

I remember  telling my mom that my life is what it is,  that was being said in a deep cloud that made me believe that I’m not meant to be happy. I didn’t realize it till today, but its true, my life is what it is, nothing will come to me easy because I wasn’t born with that privilege. Is that giving up? I think not, I think what it means is that with everything I do with my life I will put that much more effort because I’m expecting a hurdle, worst case scenario is i will get as close as possible to what i want and best case scenario is i will get above and beyond.

That’s not such a bad way to live is it?

I have to say I’m loving this new arrangement. I always have ideas of what to write about but not the time, then by the time I do have time I have totally forgotten, so whenever I get an idea I write up the blog post and leave it as a draft. I have closure issues, I never start something and not finish it…

Anyway, roots, I’m a roots person always have been, I remember growing up and struggling because I didn’t have enough grounding me. As a child and teenager for me that looked more like family than anything else. And much like most things I got to a point where I wanted to just follow the pack, ‘roots? what roots? Who wants to be grounded? I’m a free spirit.’

I did it pretty well to be honest but it wasn’t me. I remember even more vividly, LF telling me she thinks I want stability, I was offended, wondering how she even got to think that. But she was right, I want stability, for me, being a free spirit can be rather exhausting.

But what does being grounded really mean. I guess for me it means being at a place where I’m settled, in my heart, in my personal life such that all I’m pursuing is the satisfaction in my heart and the well-being of my family. So maybe in short being grounded means having that purpose and knowing that every move i make in life is in pursuit of that purpose, ‘having a house fully built and all I do is make sure it’s warm and fuzzy’

And for me that purpose has become my kids but more importantly touching other people’s heart in a way that they can’t, and for me my career does that, I have to do a post on this some other time. But everyday I work I feel like I’m doing exactly what I need to, I’m fulfilled. So I guess that’s the easy part, well until I can get my dream position, small firm I can stay in long term.

The kids part has become the challenging part. I love my girls with all my heart and they are the easiest set of kids to have, but I just want to give them the world, not spoil them but help them. I believe until such a time I can have a house they can call a home for the long term, a good Christian school they can attend to, a community to be their safety nest then and only then will I feel grounded, and settled.
I guess ultimately I have found my roots, I just need to plant them, I’m so happy and excited about the opportunity and possibility that I actually may have made it, I feel like i spent my whole life searching for this exact feeling….

Indeed the road less traveled has the most fruits…