Category Archives: Self development

Tree change, second thoughts and bitter sweet experiences.

Somehow I managed to move interstate, 1000 or so km without much of a fuss or noise.

This move seems like quite a big deal, a big change and a big everything to everyone else except me. I’m trying not to make a fuss out of it but I really don’t understand what seems so drastic about it. The way I see it, I had nothing keeping me in Sydney, I got offered a better job, both in the substantial work and the pay and I was really unhappy in the city.

Continue reading Tree change, second thoughts and bitter sweet experiences.

All things Merry and the holidays

I guess it’s a day to say merry Xmas and wish everyone a happy new year.

This year I’m finding myself question what it all is about, but then again this year I’m questioning a lot of things. Granted this may just be the withdrawal talking (damn lyrica) I’m sitting here and feeling like such a failure. Sure the thoughts have been building up for a while but for some reason today is the day that I just wanna say lord take me, I can’t take any of it, I can’t do anything right…once again that’s not the first time I have thought that, but being that it’s Christmas just makes it a little sad.

This year was technically the first Christmas I’m separate unit from my parents. For days I wondered what I will make of it, maybe dinner, maybe a trip to the beach, maybe just maybe I can start our very own Christmas tradition. Non of that happened, and honestly I’m not sure how I feel about that just yet.

Little A is 6 years old this year, she basically found out Santa doesn’t exist last year…bad mom move I know. So this year was a bit of a challenge for her, and to top it off my mother tells her that Jesus wasn’t actually born on Christmas day, so yeah things just went from challenging to downright bad.

I planned to fall back on Jesus and the concept of giving this year, as part of my tradition, even that failed. The gift I was supposed to give didn’t happen, we didn’t get to bake or cook for those in need and those who are working on this day.

Basically as I’m sitting here I’m just wondering what it’s all about. Why bother if everything I touch turns to stone, falls apart, hurts or just doesn’t workout.

….what hurts the most is I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t know if I recognize the person I am today and while I planned to dedicate the whole of 2016 to finding myself i think I just spent it putting out fires and doing things to make it to tomorrow and somewhere along the way I just lost who I am. And to be honest I’m too old for the who am I dilemma.

A whole lot of what ifs

When i grew up, life was simple. We all go to school, get good grades, get married, pro create and work your ass of till you retire. After that your job becomes taking care of your grand children. I can’t really say i ever had an opinion about this, its just what we did. However as the years went by i realised that it wasnt so easy. I do remember once when i was 16, looking at one of the girls in my class, lets call her Sam, Sam was every motswana parent dream daughter She was the perfect student, comes to class everyday, well dressed, and punctual. She was well organised, quite and knew all the answers. Now at age of 27 she’s in a management position at one of the big banks, still the good girl she was in school. I used to, and i think the little girl inside of me still, look at her with envy. Why can’t i be like her? why was it so difficult for me to just follow this set path and be happy?

I struggled with  this set path when i started high school. Being faced with the reality that i have to look foward to couple of years pursuing a science related career when i couldnt even stand the 3 science subjects i had to deal with on a weekly basis. After the end of my first year i was faced with what looked like the best yet felt like the worst thing in this life. Choice.

Having moved to Australia, finishing off my high school education, it started with wondering how i’m going to choose what to wear everyday, yes i missed the uniform. At the registration meeting for my new school l i was handed a long list of subjects and told English and Maths are compulsory, you have to choose 4/5 more to add to that. (Mind you there was 3 different types of English and at least 4 different types of Maths). I was overwhelmed, confused and there began my love/hate relationship with choice.

Before i moved to Australia i felt lost, i felt like i hadn’t found my place with my family in addition to that i wasn’t much of a social person so friendships weren’t easy either. I thought that being and living with my mother would help, i had dreamt of a life with my mother but it was nothing like i expected. Feeling lost became somewhat a part of my life driven by indecisiveness, i never knew what i wanted in my life and the feeling was becoming frustrating.

Until now, that is. I’m in a figured it out position, I got the good, love my kids. I have discovered the Peace of God, that has come with being able to see where I’m going, allowing God to plant in me his desires and plans for my life. I know where I am and where I need to be.

Be that as it may, im now im left with a whole lot of what ifs; what if the pieces fall apart? what if i lose one of my girls? what if i can’t hold us together? What if i can’t make them happy? I have lived with fear most of my life, i had a terrible fear of failure and shame. No doubt this has led to a lot of missed opportunities and wrong decisions. In my experience working towards a fear of failing is easy, i dont know, how does one deal with fear of losing everything she has ever wanted and needed?

 While I may be right in middle of my walk with God, it feels strangely unfamiliar to not be worried and not to be constantly trying to gain control and keep it together.

Surrendering is a challenge. One we must overcome.

Why the road less travelled?

I’m actually in the process of reading this book, its been almost a year since i bought it but haven’t quite started reading it. I couldn’t figure out what i can title this blog, i’m that un-creative. I knew that i wanted it to signify me, my life and how i see things.

According to google or rather wikipedia metaphorically speaking, someone who takes ‘the road less travelled’ is acting independently, freeing themselves from the conformity of others (who choose to take ‘the road more often travelled’), generally making their own choices, and perhaps leaving a new trail that will become the road more often travelled.

I wouldn’t say that i act independently or that i made any decision to be different from others, nor do i think i have felt like i’m freeing myself. I do know that for most part i have always found myself on the other side of the block. I have spent a considerable amount of my life wanting that ideal life of ‘normal’ whatever that means, uniqueness was a curse in my mind and all i wanted was to be part of the crowds. I’m not sure if i’m simply tired or i have ‘grown up’ but i feel ready to embrace the road less travelled…i may not have chosen it for myself but there is no reason why i cant walk it like i have.

And this is not just about the journey, its about making the most of life, worrying less about what everyone around is doing and its about getting to the finish line and being able to say

I took the road less travelled, and it has made all the difference.

Growing up and Growing Old

I have a friend i call LF, she is the one person in my life i have the highest level of respect for, as a person, her level of personal growth and self-awareness. The other day we were having a disagreement on a silly rule i came up with in 2012, back then she thought it was silly and now she wants to enforce it. In the middle of the argument, the question came up ‘why am i opposing a rule I initially came up with’ and my answer was i grew up. She said to me ‘there is a difference between growing up and growing old’

‘growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional, and a state of mind’

Growing old and growing up are very easy to differentiate. As the years go by you know you are growing older, maybe not so much in your teenage years, but definitely once you cross over the quarter of a century mark. Approaching my 25th birthday has really made me realize more than anything that another year of life, on its own means just that, an extra year as a living, breathing person….and that is growing old.

So what is growing up? In the simplest form when you tell someone to ‘grow up’ you are basically telling them to behave in a more mature way. I read somewhere that being a “grown-up” demands that one has learned something from experience and continues to learn more as experience unfolds, and a very important indicator of maturity is balance. This is to mean that people who are mature and have ‘grown-up’ live a balanced life, find a balance between heart and head, logic and feeling, needs and wants, desire and necessity, society and self. LF would say growing up is realizing that as we grow old we have a responsibility to ourselves.

Growing up in Africa( and i do see how general i have been), i wonder if we are raised in a way that allows us to grow up or to grow old. WE have responsibilities to our society and we have what i would call ‘boxes’ to tick. It is pretty standard for every African no matter the culture or country, do well in school, go to university, get a job get married and create the next generation to start the cycle all over again. Somewhere in the process some people find themselves and manage to grow up, whilst the rest only find a way to meet the deadline for each of those boxes.

I suppose in the end it all comes down to one thing, emotions. The importance of feelings is something that is minimized and in-signified in our culture. There is no room for how you feel, just for what needs to be done. Some people can do this, and i admire them, i envy them because that is the easiest way to live. But for the rest of us, who have strong emotions and are possibly run by them it becomes a struggle and this is a part where you need balance. While it may seem difficult and at time impossible, finding a balance between your heart and your head is possible, finding a balance between your family/society and yourself is doable.