Category Archives: maturity

Right of passage

For some time now I have been battling with the thoughts of being a testimony. I can’t be a testimony, I kept telling myself, but here I am writing this.

I used to tell myself all my experiences were some sort of right of passage, but as I try to move through to the next phase of my life I realise they were more of a path of destruction, a load much to heavy for me to bear and memories that feel a lot like an electric chair designed to torture me.

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2018 Reflection

so what its 16 days late.

2018 was an incredibly filled miraculous year for me. I can’t believe it just thinking back on what has happened.

I started 2018 in a broken relationship, no sense of direction when it came to my career and 50% of liquids in my body was alcohol. Not exactly a great start to life is it. I struggled for the first few weeks to figure out exactly what i’m doing with my life, but the more I stopped to really think and pay attention to where I am at, what I like and don’t like the more I felt a desire grow in me, to change the direction of my life.

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Compassion and Healing

I don’t know what this, if this is what the true meaning of healing is.

I have carried so much shame in my life. I have hated the things I have done, I hated the thoughts I had and the words I said, I have hated the things that have been done to me and the things I allowed to happen to me. At some points I have hated myself..

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All things Merry and the holidays

I guess it’s a day to say merry Xmas and wish everyone a happy new year.

This year I’m finding myself question what it all is about, but then again this year I’m questioning a lot of things. Granted this may just be the withdrawal talking (damn lyrica) I’m sitting here and feeling like such a failure. Sure the thoughts have been building up for a while but for some reason today is the day that I just wanna say lord take me, I can’t take any of it, I can’t do anything right…once again that’s not the first time I have thought that, but being that it’s Christmas just makes it a little sad.

This year was technically the first Christmas I’m separate unit from my parents. For days I wondered what I will make of it, maybe dinner, maybe a trip to the beach, maybe just maybe I can start our very own Christmas tradition. Non of that happened, and honestly I’m not sure how I feel about that just yet.

Little A is 6 years old this year, she basically found out Santa doesn’t exist last year…bad mom move I know. So this year was a bit of a challenge for her, and to top it off my mother tells her that Jesus wasn’t actually born on Christmas day, so yeah things just went from challenging to downright bad.

I planned to fall back on Jesus and the concept of giving this year, as part of my tradition, even that failed. The gift I was supposed to give didn’t happen, we didn’t get to bake or cook for those in need and those who are working on this day.

Basically as I’m sitting here I’m just wondering what it’s all about. Why bother if everything I touch turns to stone, falls apart, hurts or just doesn’t workout.

….what hurts the most is I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t know if I recognize the person I am today and while I planned to dedicate the whole of 2016 to finding myself i think I just spent it putting out fires and doing things to make it to tomorrow and somewhere along the way I just lost who I am. And to be honest I’m too old for the who am I dilemma.

Growing up and Growing Old

I have a friend i call LF, she is the one person in my life i have the highest level of respect for, as a person, her level of personal growth and self-awareness. The other day we were having a disagreement on a silly rule i came up with in 2012, back then she thought it was silly and now she wants to enforce it. In the middle of the argument, the question came up ‘why am i opposing a rule I initially came up with’ and my answer was i grew up. She said to me ‘there is a difference between growing up and growing old’

‘growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional, and a state of mind’

Growing old and growing up are very easy to differentiate. As the years go by you know you are growing older, maybe not so much in your teenage years, but definitely once you cross over the quarter of a century mark. Approaching my 25th birthday has really made me realize more than anything that another year of life, on its own means just that, an extra year as a living, breathing person….and that is growing old.

So what is growing up? In the simplest form when you tell someone to ‘grow up’ you are basically telling them to behave in a more mature way. I read somewhere that being a “grown-up” demands that one has learned something from experience and continues to learn more as experience unfolds, and a very important indicator of maturity is balance. This is to mean that people who are mature and have ‘grown-up’ live a balanced life, find a balance between heart and head, logic and feeling, needs and wants, desire and necessity, society and self. LF would say growing up is realizing that as we grow old we have a responsibility to ourselves.

Growing up in Africa( and i do see how general i have been), i wonder if we are raised in a way that allows us to grow up or to grow old. WE have responsibilities to our society and we have what i would call ‘boxes’ to tick. It is pretty standard for every African no matter the culture or country, do well in school, go to university, get a job get married and create the next generation to start the cycle all over again. Somewhere in the process some people find themselves and manage to grow up, whilst the rest only find a way to meet the deadline for each of those boxes.

I suppose in the end it all comes down to one thing, emotions. The importance of feelings is something that is minimized and in-signified in our culture. There is no room for how you feel, just for what needs to be done. Some people can do this, and i admire them, i envy them because that is the easiest way to live. But for the rest of us, who have strong emotions and are possibly run by them it becomes a struggle and this is a part where you need balance. While it may seem difficult and at time impossible, finding a balance between your heart and your head is possible, finding a balance between your family/society and yourself is doable.