This has to be the most bizzare but interesting thing I ever came across, DM likes asking me why, why I do what I do and why I am the way I am. No one has ever questioned me in that way.
So in the middle of a heated conversation he asked me why am I simplistic, why do I wanna live a simple life? I never questioned it to be honest, it’s always been right there inside of me.
When they say life is a wheel it’s no joke. At the beginning of this year I was in a somewhat content place, work was great, the kids happy and healthy, looking forward to the little one starting daycare. Life with LF in the same country was, well not what one was to expect, things just didn’t work out but I was glad, we could finally put to rest the back and forth. At the start of the year I felt closer to the stability I have been craving, but within a space of just 4 months so much happened that I no longer feel balanced.
(can’t help noticing my writers juices comes up at the beginning of the year)
For the last few days I have been thinking about this, literally, the phrase has been going through my mind, I m a black girl in a white man’s world. You hear about the world is a man’s world and how white people have priveledges etc. As an African girl who pretty much grew up in a stable African country without much exposure to the huge racism and disadvantages African American and other African people have been exposed to, I never really contextualised it. It was always just another historical phrase I hear, understand but never really think of it for more than a couple of minutes.
Now here I am, a year into my career as a solicitor/business owner and I’m really feeling like a black woman in a white man’s world. My blackness is so obvious and almost more obvious than my presence…if that even makes sense. Every room I walk into, I’m not just noticed as the black woman who just walked in, but now I have to really prove that I deserve to be there, that I know what I’m doing (after I prove I’m the right person, not the help).
I’m aware that most women have to deal with the invisible glass ceiling, it’s frustrating and its real I’m ashamed to say in my naive youth I used to think that just talk but its real, and unfortunately, I’m not immune to it either. But you know what really frustrates me about being a woman in a man’s world, especially this world, it the idea that you can have it all. But let’s face it, you cant have it all..the minute you become a mother, which most of us do, you really CANNOT have it all, no matter what you think the man has the upper hand, put simply he can be at work till 12 minutes whilst you have to be home with the kids by 6pm?
But I have to say, the journey is rather interesting.
I guess it’s a day to say merry Xmas and wish everyone a happy new year.
This year I’m finding myself question what it all is about, but then again this year I’m questioning a lot of things. Granted this may just be the withdrawal talking (damn lyrica) I’m sitting here and feeling like such a failure. Sure the thoughts have been building up for a while but for some reason today is the day that I just wanna say lord take me, I can’t take any of it, I can’t do anything right…once again that’s not the first time I have thought that, but being that it’s Christmas just makes it a little sad.
This year was technically the first Christmas I’m separate unit from my parents. For days I wondered what I will make of it, maybe dinner, maybe a trip to the beach, maybe just maybe I can start our very own Christmas tradition. Non of that happened, and honestly I’m not sure how I feel about that just yet.
Little A is 6 years old this year, she basically found out Santa doesn’t exist last year…bad mom move I know. So this year was a bit of a challenge for her, and to top it off my mother tells her that Jesus wasn’t actually born on Christmas day, so yeah things just went from challenging to downright bad.
I planned to fall back on Jesus and the concept of giving this year, as part of my tradition, even that failed. The gift I was supposed to give didn’t happen, we didn’t get to bake or cook for those in need and those who are working on this day.
Basically as I’m sitting here I’m just wondering what it’s all about. Why bother if everything I touch turns to stone, falls apart, hurts or just doesn’t workout.
….what hurts the most is I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t know if I recognize the person I am today and while I planned to dedicate the whole of 2016 to finding myself i think I just spent it putting out fires and doing things to make it to tomorrow and somewhere along the way I just lost who I am. And to be honest I’m too old for the who am I dilemma.
When i grew up, life was simple. We all go to school, get good grades, get married, pro create and work your ass of till you retire. After that your job becomes taking care of your grand children. I can’t really say i ever had an opinion about this, its just what we did. However as the years went by i realised that it wasnt so easy. I do remember once when i was 16, looking at one of the girls in my class, lets call her Sam, Sam was every motswana parent dream daughter She was the perfect student, comes to class everyday, well dressed, and punctual. She was well organised, quite and knew all the answers. Now at age of 27 she’s in a management position at one of the big banks, still the good girl she was in school. I used to, and i think the little girl inside of me still, look at her with envy. Why can’t i be like her? why was it so difficult for me to just follow this set path and be happy?
I struggled with this set path when i started high school. Being faced with the reality that i have to look foward to couple of years pursuing a science related career when i couldnt even stand the 3 science subjects i had to deal with on a weekly basis. After the end of my first year i was faced with what looked like the best yet felt like the worst thing in this life. Choice.
Having moved to Australia, finishing off my high school education, it started with wondering how i’m going to choose what to wear everyday, yes i missed the uniform. At the registration meeting for my new school l i was handed a long list of subjects and told English and Maths are compulsory, you have to choose 4/5 more to add to that. (Mind you there was 3 different types of English and at least 4 different types of Maths). I was overwhelmed, confused and there began my love/hate relationship with choice.
Before i moved to Australia i felt lost, i felt like i hadn’t found my place with my family in addition to that i wasn’t much of a social person so friendships weren’t easy either. I thought that being and living with my mother would help, i had dreamt of a life with my mother but it was nothing like i expected. Feeling lost became somewhat a part of my life driven by indecisiveness, i never knew what i wanted in my life and the feeling was becoming frustrating.
Until now, that is. I’m in a figured it out position, I got the good, love my kids. I have discovered the Peace of God, that has come with being able to see where I’m going, allowing God to plant in me his desires and plans for my life. I know where I am and where I need to be.
Be that as it may, im now im left with a whole lot of what ifs; what if the pieces fall apart? what if i lose one of my girls? what if i can’t hold us together? What if i can’t make them happy? I have lived with fear most of my life, i had a terrible fear of failure and shame. No doubt this has led to a lot of missed opportunities and wrong decisions. In my experience working towards a fear of failing is easy, i dont know, how does one deal with fear of losing everything she has ever wanted and needed?
While I may be right in middle of my walk with God, it feels strangely unfamiliar to not be worried and not to be constantly trying to gain control and keep it together.
Surrendering is a challenge. One we must overcome.
IT’S WHO I AM 