Parental relationships are such an important and also sensitive matter. I have, for the longest time not had a relationship with both my parents. I was raised by my grand mother, not known who my father was until my late teens, and had my mother as a distant ‘person’ I knew of but never really knew. My step father, who had been with my mother since I was 6, I only met at 14.
This past weekend, at the age of 28, was the first time I actually had a good weekend with my parents, being my mother and step-father. Feelings of rejections, not fitting in and just being unloved were no longer there. A journey that was long and hard, but absolutely something that can only be God.
The journey of my redemption isn’t an awfully eventful one, I was not found almost dead, I hadn’t lost everything to the point of eating dusk.
No my story of redemption began in my bedroom, laying in my bed cursing morning sickness whilst at the same time enjoying the baby kick, my oldest daughter having just been picked up by her driver and probably already at school.
For some time now I have been battling with the thoughts of being a testimony. I can’t be a testimony, I kept telling myself, but here I am writing this.
I used to tell myself all my experiences were some sort of right of passage, but as I try to move through to the next phase of my life I realise they were more of a path of destruction, a load much to heavy for me to bear and memories that feel a lot like an electric chair designed to torture me.
I don’t know what this, if this is what the true meaning of healing is.
I have carried so much shame in my life. I have hated the things I have done, I hated the thoughts I had and the words I said, I have hated the things that have been done to me and the things I allowed to happen to me. At some points I have hated myself..
DM, DM, DM. I love this man but my God he can be frustrating.
this man has literally invaded my world and then stood there and said nope, that’s not it. He’s challenged everything about me and my past and still has questions.
“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”
IT’S WHO I AM 