About three years ago when I was still on Facebook I wrote a note titled “I Am My Own Hero” I have since deleted my account and don’t really have a recollection of the exact words. I do remember though that I wrote that piece to remind myself that things aren’t just going to happen, that I need to act and put some effort in to make it happen. But more importantly that I alone was enough to create the life I want, I don’t need to be saved.
I wrote that post reflecting on the last 7 years of my life, moving to Australia, the mental health breakdown, the suicidal thoughts, unplanned pregnancy. I was amazed that despite all the curve balls life threw at me, I had managed to not just survive but make it to half way through my degree, something that was such a huge accomplishment for me. And as I sat there thinking about where I been, I knew I needed to keep going despite the storm swirling around me.
This year marks 10 years since the first time I attempted suicide. It was early in the year, 10 years ago when that happened, the rest of that year was just like a dark cloud and it was in the last month of the year that I found out I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. I have been reflecting on the miracle that is my life. From growing up with a narrative that I shouldn’t exist, I was never going to amount to anything, I brought shame to the family, to just being alive 29 years later, with a life generally put together, without even naming any accomplishments.
All of this sounds very simple on paper, but I cannot even begin to explain what this means to me. When I look back at my life I just don’t know how I ended up here, It can only be God. And forget the last 29 or 10 years, I cannot even find anything in me alone that could have made it possible for me to build a career, complete my LLM, parent two children and still maintain a good mental health state. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for what God has done with my life..
Over the last 2 weeks I have been reminded of that note again, the title has been popping up quite regularly, “I Am My Own Hero”
I am being challenged, challenged to choose between my default behaviours and my faith. Sometimes we think of these challenges as being as simple as being presented with two options and you just pick one and keep going. But the thing about your defaults is that they are such a part of normalised behaviour, you don’t often think about it before you do it, its a reflex, it just happens. So I find myself here;
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
And I was reminded of this;
Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
I fell to my knees and prayed, continuously I prayed. I prayed for God to do something, I made it his responsibility, he needed to do something drastic in my life… I wanted God to take away the options so I can just cruise through this “Christian life”
I have enjoyed living in the peacefulnesses of his presence I think I forgot what it took to get me here, and now I just want life to be a smooth ride where I don’t have to make decisions and there is no expectations of me. Yes I want Jesus to take the wheel of my life. And if you read my previous post then we both know that’s just not how it works.
This was the only answer I got from God. He reminded me of the encouragement I gave myself all those years ago. Reminding me that no knight in shining armour is coming to slay the dragon that enslaves me, no one is coming to decide for me, this particular person is definitely not going to make the choice for me.
Every day that we are alive we choose to obey one something, the laws of our countries, our company’s policies, social norms, traditions imposed on us, our own desires or God. Its often to obey something when you don’t have two conflicting options, but I’m realising now that it is when you have to choose to obey God above all else that it matters the most.
As a baby Christian I never imagined that I would have my faith tested in such a way and so soon. As I continue to battle with obedience I keep thinking to myself that God will still love me either way, and that’s true, But, the Holy Spirit is so alive in me that the conviction is so strong I cannot silence it.
I been reading the book of 1 Kings as part of my daily devotions, and as I go through King after King who was anointed by God, blessed and favoured and went on to disobey God and do things detestable in his eyes, I cant help but feel like I’m headed in this direction.
As I continue to pray over this, praying for God to strengthen my faith, friend pray with me. Pray with me that when its all said and done I would be able to also recite these words;
I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
Song “Even If” MercyMe