So, I have lived most of my teen and adult life believing that I have very little to no self-control. I am very impulsive especially when it comes to gratification. I can go back and forth and be stingy about buying something I need like clothes and household stuff and in the next breath pack a bag and go on a holiday and spend upwards of $1000… why? Because it makes me feel good, it excites me.
I like to keep things authentic. I started writing this post about 2 weeks ago. Before I was able to complete it I felt a call to silence and prayer, and so I stopped writing. I’m not going to change anything in it but will continue where I left off.
It’s almost the end of the year. everyone is busy preparing for the holidays, whatever they may mean to you. And more importantly getting ready for the new year. Its almost impossible not to spend this time reflecting on where you been and what you wish you had achieved or will achieve next year.
Over the years I used to spend this time of year depressed in some form and hopeful in another. Disappointed in my life and what that year had for me and also motivated to change in the new year. I cannot tell you how many “fresh” starts I have had in my life. Always determined to become a new person, to be a better person and to do better.
This year is a little different, this year I’m filled with gratitude, joy and I cant help but be in love with my journey.
I’m going to get right into it. Its taken me this long to get the courage to talk about this…
For as long as I can remember my biggest problem with the world, with my life was that things were not easy. I started having ungodly thoughts (as Mom would put it) from a very young age, they mainly involved wanting to be non existent… I guess death wasn’t something I could fully comprehend so I just wanted, wished rather, to not exist. These progressed to being suicidal thoughts and I have been so close to attempting suicide 4 time in my life.
In the interest of full disclosure, the last time I really struggled with suicidal thoughts was nearly 13 months ago, it took me a whole 10 hours to drive what should have been 5 hours just to get home. It took praying, worship and on the phone prayers an conversations from one of my spiritual guides. I had to stop that many times and I had to drive that slow because high speeds and a motorway full of trucks just seemed like an easy way out. I could feel the battle, the friction between life and death so strongly inside of me… just because it was all too hard.
When I was 14 years old I had my first boyfriend. Things were relatively easy and innocent back then….until they were not. I remember a time we were faced with a looming end to our relationship he said to me during a conversation “you make everything sound simple and easy“.
I remember spending most of my teenage and early adult life confused as to what that means and how can simple and easy be bad.
As I look back at my life now, I realise how “easy” can be dangerously misleading.
For some time now I have been battling with the thoughts of being a testimony. I can’t be a testimony, I kept telling myself, but here I am writing this.
I used to tell myself all my experiences were some sort of right of passage, but as I try to move through to the next phase of my life I realise they were more of a path of destruction, a load much to heavy for me to bear and memories that feel a lot like an electric chair designed to torture me.