Category Archives: family

Introducing myself – Identity battles

When I started writing the idea of being anonymous was all I needed to be sold into the idea. I have been blogging for as long as my oldest daughter, 8 years, nearly 9 years..and in that whole time I haven’t been open about who I am.

As I’m growing into becoming, I’m learning to not be so afraid of my past and so afraid of  rejection, thereby learning to be open and vulnerable about my journey. So as I sit here planning my blog and the vision I have for it, the question came up of a domain name. I want to use my name, – queue the identity battles. See I have been known by 2 names all my life. Continue reading Introducing myself – Identity battles

Wheels of Life

When they say life is a wheel it’s no joke. At the beginning of this year I was in a somewhat content place, work was great, the kids happy and healthy, looking forward to the little one starting daycare. Life with LF in the same country was, well not what one was to expect, things just didn’t work out but I was glad, we could finally put to rest the back and forth. At the start of the year I felt closer to the stability I have been craving, but within a space of just 4 months so much happened that I no longer feel balanced.

Continue reading Wheels of Life

All things Merry and the holidays

I guess it’s a day to say merry Xmas and wish everyone a happy new year.

This year I’m finding myself question what it all is about, but then again this year I’m questioning a lot of things. Granted this may just be the withdrawal talking (damn lyrica) I’m sitting here and feeling like such a failure. Sure the thoughts have been building up for a while but for some reason today is the day that I just wanna say lord take me, I can’t take any of it, I can’t do anything right…once again that’s not the first time I have thought that, but being that it’s Christmas just makes it a little sad.

This year was technically the first Christmas I’m separate unit from my parents. For days I wondered what I will make of it, maybe dinner, maybe a trip to the beach, maybe just maybe I can start our very own Christmas tradition. Non of that happened, and honestly I’m not sure how I feel about that just yet.

Little A is 6 years old this year, she basically found out Santa doesn’t exist last year…bad mom move I know. So this year was a bit of a challenge for her, and to top it off my mother tells her that Jesus wasn’t actually born on Christmas day, so yeah things just went from challenging to downright bad.

I planned to fall back on Jesus and the concept of giving this year, as part of my tradition, even that failed. The gift I was supposed to give didn’t happen, we didn’t get to bake or cook for those in need and those who are working on this day.

Basically as I’m sitting here I’m just wondering what it’s all about. Why bother if everything I touch turns to stone, falls apart, hurts or just doesn’t workout.

….what hurts the most is I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t know if I recognize the person I am today and while I planned to dedicate the whole of 2016 to finding myself i think I just spent it putting out fires and doing things to make it to tomorrow and somewhere along the way I just lost who I am. And to be honest I’m too old for the who am I dilemma.