Category Archives: faith

Be Unoffendable And what to do when that fails

I started doing this thing where I put draft titles for posts to do later on…this was one of them, be unoffendable. But for the life of me I cannot remember why I wanted to talk about it…coincidentally this week just became about offences and insecurities.

Before I go on…it was my oldest daughter birthday. The last 9 years are truly a blur in my own eyes. I cannot tell anyone how I went from a deeply depressed hungover 19 year old girl who’s just found out she’s pregnant to being a financially stable and independent, successful career in law and relatively okay mother. It can only be God. Truly!!!

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Should have known and Could have done better

I started to blog more regularly as part of my healing process from shame. It seemed like the more I talked about it, the more light can come into my life.

I remember the day I made the decision, sitting in my car crying and just overwhelmed by so much going on around me. At the centre of it was shame, the process of just thinking about everything I have done in my life and just feeling so worthless and horrible. The worst part of it was feeling like I have no right to seek help, I’m not deserving of mercy or even life because I did all those things, I engaged in that promiscuous behaviour, I got myself into the bottle and even the sexual abuse, I exposed myself to those situations.

I ended up writing this on that day. It wasn’t so much that I believed it then but I definitely  needed it more than I could ever imagine, and I just allowed the Holy Spirit to pour it out.

The biggest complaint I have now is simply that there is so much out there on how to deal with trauma, and bad things happening to you, and the more I listened to that the more the voice in my head became louder ‘well nothing happened to you, you did that to yourself.’ and  when it does, I’m still left alone and in a dark space.

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Equally Yoked to What?

I have a confession to make. I didn’t post last week, not because I was busy, but because I was doing that thing, I do sometimes, where I have something in my heart to write but I don’t want to for various reasons/excuses. But here I am, hopefully I will get it all out.

The bible warns us about being unequally yoked, every  teaching I have seen on this has been about ensuring that as a believer you get into relationships, romantic or otherwise with another believer. Great.

But I have never heard anyone questioning or talking about the idea that non believers can be equally yoked or that sin itself can be yoked.

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It’s who I am

I spent the whole day in mental health first aid training on Tuesday, it was extremely exhausting and overwhelming for me. As a person who has struggled with mental health and suicidal thoughts, the topic is such an eggshell experience. I realise now that i’m scared of  being triggered more than anything else.

That same evening, I also had bible study, it so happened that the conversations at bible study was around the same thing, mental health and the concept of a prospering soul. I had a conversation with a friend of mine afterwards and she was quite taken back by what she called a coincidence. I had already talked to her after work about how the training made me feel, and was now explaining that because of bible study I now feel much better.

My friend then  said something that I have heard so many times and just used to dislike, she said “I wouldn’t have thought that something like that would bother you, you always seem to be so strong and handle everything well”…..

and so here we are talking about mental health, and identity..

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Emptied Out – To be filled again

On my last post, I did not get to the no-so-fun part of being emptied out. You see whilst being emptied out doesn’t make you feel void, it often feels idle. And in a world that has a busy-ness culture that can be a dangerous position to be in.

When I reached the stage of being emptied out, my first reaction -for lack of a better word, was to  want to do something, I felt so much drive to be something, the expectation of what I’m going to do next, where my life is going and what it’s going to be like was almost too much..it felt a lot like this ‘wait’, that nearly every Christian talks about

Its almost comical because I have seen and heard a lot of people talk about their waiting season, and what to do while waiting on God, most time I understood what they said, the basics of it, like they waiting on something better to happen, but I never really knew exactly what they meant, coupled by the miss-independent-go-getter-attitude I have that says “i don’t wait for things to happen i make them happen.”

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