So, I have lived most of my teen and adult life believing that I have very little to no self-control. I am very impulsive especially when it comes to gratification. I can go back and forth and be stingy about buying something I need like clothes and household stuff and in the next breath pack a bag and go on a holiday and spend upwards of $1000… why? Because it makes me feel good, it excites me.
Few months back I wrote about my insecurities and how they have affected my life. I wasn’t planning on writing about this again but lately I have been thinking about insecurities again and just noticing some of them pop up in my life.
It’s come to my attention that every time someone asks me about my past, I get scared, my heart races and suddenly I feel like I’m taking some sort of a test, FEAR. Instead of seeing this as some one being interested in who I am, my insecurities remind me of the most painful parts of my past, they begin to lie to me that I’m not worthy and tell me that this person is judging me and he/she will reject me once they see who i “truly” am.
I’m going to get right into it. Its taken me this long to get the courage to talk about this…
For as long as I can remember my biggest problem with the world, with my life was that things were not easy. I started having ungodly thoughts (as Mom would put it) from a very young age, they mainly involved wanting to be non existent… I guess death wasn’t something I could fully comprehend so I just wanted, wished rather, to not exist. These progressed to being suicidal thoughts and I have been so close to attempting suicide 4 time in my life.
In the interest of full disclosure, the last time I really struggled with suicidal thoughts was nearly 13 months ago, it took me a whole 10 hours to drive what should have been 5 hours just to get home. It took praying, worship and on the phone prayers an conversations from one of my spiritual guides. I had to stop that many times and I had to drive that slow because high speeds and a motorway full of trucks just seemed like an easy way out. I could feel the battle, the friction between life and death so strongly inside of me… just because it was all too hard.
Firstly, apologies for the long absence. I took some time off to enjoy a well deserved holiday with my daughters and also visit some of my family in Africa.
My trip home was quite a bitter sweet experience, one that was so different from all the other times. And the topic of today was the very reasons.
When I was 14 years old I had my first boyfriend. Things were relatively easy and innocent back then….until they were not. I remember a time we were faced with a looming end to our relationship he said to me during a conversation “you make everything sound simple and easy“.
I remember spending most of my teenage and early adult life confused as to what that means and how can simple and easy be bad.
As I look back at my life now, I realise how “easy” can be dangerously misleading.