I have been getting a little frustrated about my inability to write, I had something in mind to talk about but I kept feeling in my spirit that I have not yet had the full revelation…and then it came in the most unexpected way a thought planted in my mind

“it was never about the fall, it was always about the come back.

You know I’m a once upon a time kind of girl so let me set the scene.

I started seeing therapists and councillors when I as 17, from the very beginning I saw the need for one, I’m a person who needs to talk my feelings and issues out. The first 2 or 3 sessions would be good, but after that the sessions becomes frustrating. I was stuck in a cycle and the problem was non other than self awareness.

Ask everyone who knows me and they will tell you I’m very self-aware. I know all my habits, good or bad, all my vices and values. I often know what I need to do even when I say I have a problem, I’m a go getter, when I make up my mind I want something I will get it, because I’m self aware I know all the pitfalls I can fall in and how to avoid it.

Yes this has been the message being drilled in me for the last 12 years of my life, by friends, family, mentors and professional.

Imagine my surprise when God reveals to me, I’m not who I think I am. Correction, when God revealed to me I don’t act the way I actually think I do. Often I think we talk about knowing who we are but really we talking about that alignment of our actions and expectations of a person in our position…but that’s a topic for another day.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part.

1 Corinthians 13:9

I just remembered a conversation I had somewhat 8 years ago with an old classmate and he was talking about how his life has evolved since we were in school another 10 years before that, and he said

“I have become the very thing I hated”

I have always thought of myself as someone who is humble, compassionate, self sacrificial, honest and trustworthy, loyal and a true friend. Someone who truly understand love and relationships and what the world needs, someone who believes in necessity and not being unnecessarily inconvenienced or inconveniencing others.

But turns out I am a hypocrite, a manipulator, a liar, selfish very disloyal and probably can be very untrustworthy. I have not been the friend I thought I am and I expected from other people. A lot that I have done and that I still do from time to time does not align with the character I have believed I have, but has been everything I disapproved of and hated.

It all seems simple and could very well be like I’m making a fuss over nothing, right? I was doing some scripture reading with the girls tonight and I read for them about the conversation between Jesus and his disciple the night before the passover.

• First Jesus washed their feet and taught them about servitude. and he in this act he said some powerful things
  • Unless I wash you, you have no part with me. John 13:8
  • Those who have had a bath need only wash their feet, their whole body is clean, and you are clean, though not everyone of you. John 13:10
  • I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you…now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. John 13:15-17.
• Then Jesus went on to talk about his betrayal;
  • I’m telling you before it happens so that when it happens you will believe I am Who I am. verse 19.
  • Very truly I tell you, whoever accepts anyone I send accepts me, whoever accepts me accepts who sent me. verse 20.
• Jesus then gives a new command, Love one another.
  • As I have loved you, you must love one another. verse 34.
  • By this everyone will Know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. verse 35.
• Then Jesus predicts Peter betrayal…worth noting though,
  • Where I am going yo cannot follow now, but you will follow later. verse 36.

After I studied these verses with the kids and discussed how they speak to our lives now and how we can put them in practice to receive the blessing, I looked through the passages again and I saw it.

A few days before this occurred Jesus had started telling the disciples about his impending death, right? Jesus had already started hinting that someone will betray him, right? Jesus basically told the disciples who will betray him…

“It is the one who me I will give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish”. Then, dipping the piece of bread, he gave it to Judas. As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered him. So Jesus told him, “What you are about to do, do quickly”But no one at the meal understood why Jesus said this to him.

Several times throughout the Bible we hear of people not understanding and not seeing things until God ‘one the eyes’, in my view this has to be the biggest example of how something can truly be right in front of us and we don’t see it, until God allows it.

It was interesting for me reading this scripture truly seeing the control God had over this whole thing, and the position we as humans have in this world, caught between the battle between good and evil, but more than anything how little power the devil truly has.

1. Before Judas could go and betray Jesus, God first had to give him an option.  This used to confuse me a lot, how do we have free will yet God has already decided what’s going to happen? I feel like Jesus gave Judas lots of warnings and chances to not be collateral damage in this because I have no doubt that God could have accomplished his plans without Judas being condemned to the fate he suffered…
2. Judas had to agree and accept to be used by the devil before the devil had any power over him. And I think this applies to God as well, we have to agree to be used by God, we agree to be used by the devil. Note Satan did not enter Judas until after he accepted the piece of bread from Jesus.
3. When it comes to God’s anointed, even the devil needs the green light before he messes with them. Yes Judas waited to be told to go do it, even in Job Satan needed God permission to mess with Job. Many other times we see God rebuking people and saying “do not touch my anointed ones.”

And this brings me back to something God has been speaking into my life all year. CHOICES, being conscious of all the choice I make big or small, intentional or habitual and how they are shaping my life. Nothing just happens. Your character doesn’t just happen, your actions are daily choice. And just because you wish and believe to be a certain way, doesn’t automatically make you so.

It’s amazing how sometimes in life we know so much, we are busy worrying and focusing on so many other things that we can miss that little yet very important thing right in front of our eyes. I have built my life around, who I believe my self to be and my character, but missed who I’m actually being and my action…and then began getting frustrated when it seems nothing is aligning and working..