Has God ever told you something and then you do the complete opposite…

I mean maybe God is too big to comprehend, has one of your parents given you instructions, but despite every intention you ended up doing the opposite.

Yes that’s me.

The start of the year was great, I really got a lot from my fast and prayer, so much so I was kind of upset it came to an end.

I felt my heart surrender to God, or so I thought.

It was only a few days after the fast came to end God asked a simple question, can you trust me with this?

Yes there was an area, small area that it seems I hadn’t quite surrendered.

I had spent days and weeks working out, convincing myself that I have let go, it’s resolved…and yes I’m talking about a relationship- or rather a could have been relationship.

I wrestled with the idea of trusting God with this ache, I had to get dirty with it, get past the lie I tell myself thinking I do trust God with it, eventually admitting that I desire to, I want to, I’m trying to and ultimately concluding that I am now going to start trusting Him with it.

Great right?

No?

I have wrapped myself in so much anxiety since then, I have subconsciously and consciously tried to manage, control, orchestrate and work this out myself, all while at the back of my head convincing myself I’m trusting God with it.

All the while crying out to God, why is this hard? Why do I want or desire that which I know is not good for me…or is it?

I got to church this Sunday morning and it was a message tailor made for me.

Surrendering vs eradicating.

Your will v God’s will

Paul shows us that this is a human struggle, even he struggled with this he also dealt with doing things he knew wasn’t all good for him

I do not understand what I do, for what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

We see in the garden of gathsemane that even Jesus had moments when he wanted something different to what God wanted…his desire did not match that of the father.

Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done

It hit me that I have a habit of fighting what I want, trying to make sure I don’t want it. Trying to eradicate my desires, trying to rid myself of any Will.

God has never asked me to strive, he’s never asked me to clean myself up and make sure I’m perfect. All he seeks is my surrender and obedience.

God says that his thoughts are not our thoughts, his ways not our ways.

So no it’s not hard, nothing that we face is new, nothing we struggle with is hard and nothing can be harder than what Jesus has gone through. We get caught up in fighting the wrong battles when all we need to do is surrender.

The pastor said to us, stop focusing on the fact that you want to and just don’t do it. Stop battling the fact that you have desires that are contrary to God and just surrender them to him.