2019 Reflections

I like to keep things authentic. I started writing this post about 2 weeks ago. Before I was able to complete it I felt a call to silence and prayer, and so I stopped writing. I’m not going to change anything in it but will continue where I left off.

It’s almost the end of the year. everyone is busy preparing for the holidays, whatever they may mean to you. And more importantly getting ready for the new year. Its almost impossible not to spend this time reflecting on where you been and what you wish you had achieved or will achieve next year.

Over the years I used to spend this time of year depressed in some form and hopeful in another. Disappointed in my life and what that year had for me and also motivated to change in the new year. I cannot tell you how many “fresh” starts I have had in my life. Always determined to become a new person, to be a better person and to do better.

This year is a little different, this year I’m filled with gratitude, joy and I cant help but be in love with my journey.

I remember mentioning previously about a day when one of my mentor was praying over me and she said ‘God we thank you for Tina’s journey’ At the time I was so shocked by that because there was nothing I wanted more than to erase my journey. I wanted to be anything but me, to have lived any other life but the one I did.

You wouldn’t expect this but having a crush – a love interest has really put my life into perspective, it has opened my heart to appreciating what I have gone through, as painful as it was and it has opened my heart to loving the journey I am on and loving more than I thought I could the person I am becoming.

Everyday I’m becoming more aware of how ordinary the things I have dealt with are, from a worldly point of view, and subsequently the battle between my spirit and my flesh.

I have always struggled with doing what feels right in my spirit and what I “should” be doing. Yes I have found my self in a position where I’m telling myself I should feel a certain way, I should react a certain way, I should act, dress, speak and behave a certain way. And the difficulty in that is those should’s were merely based on society and worldly views and a deep need for approval and to ‘fit in’

The world isn’t the only thing inundated with do’s and don’ts right? My struggle with my faith in the past has been because of this. The list of things I should be doing, how I should look, how I should speak think and talk in order to be a true ‘Christian”.

And no matter what I did or how hard I tried I couldn’t fit in either category. And while I have joy and peace in me now, its not because I have found the answer to my dilemma, its not because I have been able to find where I fit in. When its all said and done I still do not fit in with the world, and I still do not fit in with the religious people either.

My journey has been so  personal I have difficulty explaining it to people. I found myself when I discovered that I can have a relationship with Jesus. When I found that being a Christian is more about knowing God, connecting with God trusting in him and his voice than it is about going to church and following a set of rules so I can appear to be “Christian”.

2019 was certainly a year of transformation. It was a year where I opened the most broken and hidden parts of who I am and my past. I learned how to surrender them to God and how to find peace in the midst of it all.

When I started writing this post 2 weeks ago. I was wondering what 2020 will be. What God was going to work through me. Curious and expectant. For these past 2 weeks I experienced that which I never thought I could.

Happy New Year to all. I pray and believe that God will provide for you in this season all that you desire all that you need for his Will to be fulfilled.

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