Few months back I wrote about my insecurities and how they have affected my life. I wasn’t planning on writing about this again but lately I have been thinking about insecurities again and just noticing some of them pop up in my life.
It’s come to my attention that every time someone asks me about my past, I get scared, my heart races and suddenly I feel like I’m taking some sort of a test, FEAR. Instead of seeing this as some one being interested in who I am, my insecurities remind me of the most painful parts of my past, they begin to lie to me that I’m not worthy and tell me that this person is judging me and he/she will reject me once they see who i “truly” am.
The bible tells us that If anyone is in Christ they are a new creation. And whilst I do believe whole heatedly that I am a new creation, unfortunately I still remember who I was, there are still people who knew me as I was then and the question pops up in my head every now and then, “
are they buying it? do they really believe that I am a new person?”
anyone else wish God could erase their memory?
Will they buy it?
I find it interesting that this is how I think about it, but my brain does, do they buy it? As if it is some cover up or some story I made up in my head.
Let me back track, there is someone new in my life, someone I’m getting to know and someone I’m very interested in. Now that you can see why I’m talking about my past so much lately…
Last night as we were having a conversation, a lot of things came up about my past, the not so pretty part of my past. And while I did my best to be honest and forthcoming without vomiting (the without vomiting needed more effort to be honest), I noticed after sometime that there was a lot of “I used to do that but I don’t anymore”
It was at this point the “buying it” thought came up. I judged myself as someone who is trying to portray themselves as better than they really are.
This in addition to my work relationships and other relationships with friends and family has made me realize something,
I have lived most of relationships and still to continue to live them like someone who’s just “happy to be here”
I mentioned in the last post about how I approached relationship from a position of lack, service and avoiding being an inconvenience. This always manifested as doing everything to please the other person and not thinking about myself or what I need, maintaining their approval as long as I possibly can, and allowing them to dispose off of me when they no longer need me.
As I slowly realised I was slipping into that mentality I was reminded of this verse;
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ
Gal 1:10 NIV
For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ.
Gal 1:10 KJV
As surely as the Lord lives I want nothing more than please God. I have tried this life my own way and it didn’t work.
I was sitting in Church about a month ago, just feeling deflated, not feeling like I’m doing all that I could be in my job and I could hear God say to me “just praise”
So in dealing with these insecurities and doubts I decided to just praise my way through it, God didn’t bring me this far just to just leave me right.
And as my new favorite passage says;
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.