Hi All, how is everyone been doing? It’s been that weird changing of the season time. I wonder if I’m the only one who just feel a bit unusual when seasons change.
Anyway some time ago I wrote a post about disobedience and not doing what you are supposed to do, you can find it here. Unfortunately I’m here to confess that nothing has changed yet. It’s really got me thinking about the difference between knowing and doing….again. In all honesty I am drowning in doubt and fear.
Excuse me while I attempt to overcome my doubt and be vulnerable.
For as long as I can remember I have had the desire and heart to help people. To share with people what I know in the hopes it will help them better themselves and their lives. I feel like I have had some struggles and learnt so much from my life so full of mistakes. I wanna be able to pass that on and help someone, even just one person have a different and more positive experience.
Having worked in my industry for 3 years now, there is so much I have had to push through to get started, so much i’m still learning and so much I don’t know. I have wanted, since my first year in my career to organize an event to get people like me – African Australians, both ahead of me in their career and those still in school, to share some of these experiences and tips on how to navigate this journey, because in all honesty our experiences are different to the mainstream.
The desire to do this has been burning inside of me and the flame is getting stronger and hotter. When I wrote this, it was the push I needed to get this started, it was a small step. I took it but I’m finding myself stuck and it feels harder to now take the second step.
Why you might ask?
Well I’m afraid, afraid that I’m a nobody. who am I that people would wanna participate in anything I start. who am I that anyone would agree to speak at an event I organised who am I that organisations would wanna back my event up but more than anything I’m afraid that if it all works out people will wanna know who am I?
When I look back at my life, I cannot remember when I became like this, if there is anything that triggered it. I know for the longest time I felt like I never wanted to be known or in the spotlight, fear than people will find out who I really am, and that is nobody important or worth knowing.
I meditate on this verse and I always tell it to myself whenever fear creeps in my heart, fear of external circumstances.
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
Love is something that I do very well…for others. If I have to say so myself
I know first hand that perfect love truly does cast away all fear. And I love, love. True pure unconditional love.
The problem with the kind of fear and doubt I deal with, it isn’t fear of failing or not being enough, it’s a fear of not being.
‘Who I am‘ has been a space that’s been filled with nothingness in my life. I spent a huge chunk of my life trying to find myself an identity and non of the ones I tried on never quite fit me.
More often that not I don’t fear failing, I fear succeeding. I fear that if I’m successful then people will see me, and once they see me they will want the answer to the dreaded question of who are you? And currently I don’t have an answer to that.
I am is such a powerful story. God has shown me the power of an I am statement, it’s so overwhelming that I haven’t gotten enough courage to manifest it in my life. So powerful I have become careful with what I attach to it and the declaration you make on your own life.
We are born empty vessels and it’s up to us to feel those vessels, to decide who and what feels them.
This comes from knowing what’s inside you, as a vessel. Who you are? And where your trust is at.
I pray everyday I can overcome this doubt and fear and step out of the emptiness shell to explore the full extent of my identity and get to know and embrace Who I am to