Few days ago I had a dream. Not a bad dream but it left me feeling some kinda way. In the dream one of my co-workers was planning a surprise for her partner ‘just because’ it was very sweet and just a scene out of a movie.
When I woke up I was feeling a bit uncomfortable about it, not at just the idea of dreaming about my co-workers but at the image of love the dream was showing me.
It’s occurred to me that I’m uncomfortable with romantic love. Thinking back at my past relationships and approaches to relationships I never felt comfortable being wooed, going on dates, receiving gifts and flowers and stuff. And because I was uncomfortable with it and made that clear I never experienced that kinda love.
It’s not because I didn’t want it, because now I’m thinking about it and I would. But it’s because the idea of what love is that was taught to me from a young age was the opposite of that.
And that’s the realities of everything in life. The way we approach everything was taught to us one way or another.
I never had a healthy view of love or relationships, on the one hand because I struggled with feeling like I was unloved by my parents, for the longest time I have longed for unconditional love. I wanted my romantic partners to love me and be with me for no other reason than that I exist – i.e parental love.
And then to make matters worse, I grew up in a culture of promiscuity and power battles. Where it was man v woman, who had more power? Who can outplay the other? Who can outsmart the other? Basically a culture of competition within a relationship.
The interesting about this part of my ‘training’ is I hated it and do not want it at all…but because I don’t have an alternative to compare it to, I attract people who have adopted this view on relationships and inadvertently end up participating in it.
So now I find myself at times feeling lonely and wanting companionship but wondering what exactly would I do with the relationship if God gave me one.
The more I chewed on this, it reminded me of the time I finally realised why I never did have a relationship with God until now. I heard somewhere that, because God is ‘father’ we tend to view him with same lens we use to view our earthly father.
And yes, at first I had my doubts and just let this statement pass me. But it kept coming up over and over again, I kept asking myself, I have know God all my life, I remember moments of encountering Jesus when I was young, what happened between then and now? How did I go so far away from God and get everything completely wrong about him
In true God style, I suddenly felt bombarded by messages on father-child relationships. It seemed like everywhere I turned that was the topic of discussions. The more I thought about it the more it brought me back here, I was treating my relationship with God the same as mine with my father.
I knew who my father was from about age 16 but we don’t have much of a relationship. We don’t keep in touch or talk regularly. When we do meet, we are cordial and don’t really have deep or meaningful discussions. As far as I have been concerned that’s just how things were and I haven’t really questioned it.
Similarly so was my relationship with God. I always knew he was there, I would occasionally pray but never in any deep meaningful ways.
I have never been mad or angry at God, just as I have never been mad at my father, because things were just what they were.
I do wonder though if there are some hidden deep feelings I have towards my earthly father because in my consciousness I don’t have any problems or ill feelings towards my father, he’s non existent most of the time – in my head.
So now here I am, working on my relationship with God and subsequently working on my view of love with the hope that maybe one day I will be able to attract and get into a healthy relationship. As much as I would like one now, I know I’m just not ready for it, what I’m ready for is a complete transformation of my mind and a different view of love, relationship and father