When I was growing up, I was surrounded by a lot of talk about demons and spiritual attacks. Full disclosure I used to always think that it’s just an exaggeration and would find logical reasons to explain what is going on….
So you can imagine how blown away I was as things start to happen around me that I can only describe as spiritual battles.
My current season in life has been about challenging all I believe and all I knew and some of my bad habits with the hopes of passing the old to make way for all the new.
Obviously my addictions have been my main priority, as well as dealing with the manipulation and lies that come with it.
This has to be the first time I admitted to the lies I told, lies to cover my insecurities, my addictions and to hide away from my inner demons.
But I digress, let me tell you about having a sex addiction you see, absolutely anything and everything can be sexual and my body can react sexually to the most things you would consider non-sexual and normal.
It’s taken me completely erasing out of my life any 15+ rated shows and movies, commercial music and any books that have adult themes, to help me along my journey.
Spoiler alert, this hasn’t completely stopped my urges or desires. Self awareness and lots of prayer is what I have had to rely on when those urges start to come up. . I’m in the habit of being aware of what could trigger me and when it does what to do to avoid falling into the pit.
What’s been really interesting is while I’m relatively in control during the day, I’m now experiencing the ‘attacks’ in my sleep.
These ‘attacks’ as I call them aren’t related to sex only, they include my insecurities and feelings of worthlessness, alcohol abuse, sex and everything that I’m trying to move on from.
It’s almost like the devil is trying to entice me and trick me into believing that it was so so good I have to go back into it.
I know for a fact these dreams have nothing to do with my day to day activities as they are always unrelated to my days and completely different to my daily experiences.
The other day I woke up from one of those dreams, feeling quite deflated and just not wanting to be in this world. The dream had managed to get to me a place where I felt like everyone rejects me and finds me worthless, of no value and this person I’m trying to be is just a fraud and impossible to attain.
As I laid in bed contemplating various ways I can avoid going to work that day, I remembered Luke 11:24-26
When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than before.
Anyone who has gone through recovery from some form addiction or behavioural disorder will tell you, it’s not something you decide once and it be gone for good. you have to keep chasing it away because it will keep coming back. I know, personally just how much tighter it grips on when it returns and you let it back in.
In addition to this triggered memory. I have had several people say to me some variation of ‘the battle is not yours it’s the lord’s’. Now I been listening to that song lately and it sounded great and gave me a push to trusting God.
But when people start saying this to me directly, people who aren’t aware of this problems I’m facing it really got me listening. And when I listened God opened my eyes, I suddenly had a greater understanding of so many scriptures we read that talks about casting all your troubles in God.
It’s been the realisation that spiritual warfare is a reality. Everything that manifest in our life is borne from some form of spirit, it’s given power in life by some source. The question is, is it God or the devil, if we go down a step, is it Holy Spirit or spirit of the flesh, even a step further, is it truth or just worldly desire.
When you look at it like that, suddenly being double minded, those ‘my head says this but my heart says that’ dilemmas look a little different… and maybe you will handle them differently.