I started to blog more regularly as part of my healing process from shame. It seemed like the more I talked about it, the more light can come into my life.
I remember the day I made the decision, sitting in my car crying and just overwhelmed by so much going on around me. At the centre of it was shame, the process of just thinking about everything I have done in my life and just feeling so worthless and horrible. The worst part of it was feeling like I have no right to seek help, I’m not deserving of mercy or even life because I did all those things, I engaged in that promiscuous behaviour, I got myself into the bottle and even the sexual abuse, I exposed myself to those situations.
I ended up writing this on that day. It wasn’t so much that I believed it then but I definitely needed it more than I could ever imagine, and I just allowed the Holy Spirit to pour it out.
The biggest complaint I have now is simply that there is so much out there on how to deal with trauma, and bad things happening to you, and the more I listened to that the more the voice in my head became louder ‘well nothing happened to you, you did that to yourself.’ and when it does, I’m still left alone and in a dark space.
I have been doing incredibly well, I have without a doubt reconciled my past with myself, accepted that it happened and it doesn’t have to define me, thank God for therapy.
However I’m noticing more and more that the ‘should have known better‘ is still lingering around.
It is such a part of our human existence. Being more aware of it in my own view of my life, my eyes have been opened to how I put that on other people and just how everyone puts it on others as well. There is an inherent expectations that we all know better and therefore we all should do better and when we fail to, ‘oh well we brought it upon ourself’. Its damaging, to say the least.
It’s still one very sore area for me, I can’t think about it without being emotional, especially when I hear it being put on people who are going through trauma. No one wilfully chooses to go through traumatic events, it just doesn’t work like that. I think if we all had a choice of how our lives are, it would be all roses & rainbows and happily ever afters.
And the truth of the matter is, I didn’t know any better. I never fully understood what the consequences of my behaviours would be, what a healthy relationship looks like, what impact alcohol will have in my life. By the time I was old enough and had seen and experienced enough, it was so engraved into me it was part of my make up as a whole. In my opinion this, is something that is so under-addressed.
train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6 NIV
Whether good or bad, the beliefs we adopt as children, are incredibly hard if not humanly impossible to depart from once we are older. When something becomes part of your belief system it becomes your default core. Its more than just a habit and it takes more than just replacing it with a ‘good’ habit for 21 days and you all good. It’s a reflex that you do without a second thought.
When I became more aware of who I have become, the manipulation I was used to using, the excuses I had, the first thing I thought was I can just make up my mind now and change it. I was in for a big surprise because I almost always realised what I was doing, after I had done it.
It would usually be on Saturday morning where I’m completely unable to function or do anything that I realise I have been drunk every night this week, and when I backtrack, every night there was a legitimate reason and excuse for it, that made absolute logical sense. It was never a single moment when I choose, I’m going to completely abuse alcohol, or I’m going to get myself into a toxic relationship.
And the more I tried to do right, it seemed the more I failed.
I’m in a place now that when I start to struggle with the thoughts that I should have known better and I could have done better, I remind myself that, firstly its already done, nothing I can do to fix it and coming up with alternative ways I could have dealt with it isn’t actually going to make me feel better. And most importantly I look at this scripture and the life of Paul in general.
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do
Romans 7:15 NIV
Paul’s story is one incredible example of radical transformation by God. His letters have been instrumental to me understanding that just because you get saved, you have a God encounter doesn’t mean you change overnight. I can’t imagine what Paul had to go through both within himself and also with people around him, going from persecuting Christ and his followers to preaching Christ message and becoming his Apostle. And passages like this one, makes it clear, he battled.
I have to admit, I’m still in a process, and I still have this fear at the back of my mind, I feel like, I’m under covering and protection at the moment, but I wonder, what will I do when the storm comes? Will I be able t withstand it or will i fall back to my old habits.
Though I constantly take my life in my hands, I will not forget your law.
My heart is set on keeping your decrees to the very end
Psalm 119: 109 & 112 NIV
I absolutely love The Passion Translation of the above verses
Even though my life hangs in the balance, I’ll keep following what you’ve taught me, no matter what…
I have determined in my heart to obey whatever you say,fully and forever!…
What I do know now is that all I can do now, is surrender, earnestly seek his wisdom and strength and regularly remind myself of his commands
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
Deuteronomy 6:5 NIV
Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; hold it fast, and repent.
Revelations 3:3 NIV
Its through grace, transformation by God, that we are able to become a new creation in Christ.