I’m feeling very low today, beating myself and feeling really isolated and alone. Despite this I can’t help but realise just how different it feels to last time I was in a similar position before. A little over a year and half ago, it was fear now it’s just sadness.

All this from being in the middle of season, realising that some people in my life have to go as a result of a change that I need to do.

At the start of the year 2018, I started to feel a pull to walk with God and change my life. The biggest fear I had and that was really holding me back was that I would have to leave some people behind. It’s amazing realising just how much of my circle of friends was based on my infirmities and subsequently my bad habits, addition and toxic ways.

I reached out to a trusted friend of my parents, someone I trusted would not judge me, she sent me this,

I held onto this and slowly but surely I was able to push through my fears and trust in God.

But I find myself here again, I don’t feel scared or fearful as I did then though. I feel disappointed at myself and saddened by the outlook of what this means.

Last night I went “out” with co-workers for a welcome drinks as we have someone new join us. It’s been a while since I have had a drink, since I have really taken a hard look at my relationship with alcohol, for a bit of a background;

I had a taste of alcohol at the age of 10, I started to regularly drink alcohol at about 15/16. From how it started to now as an adult the primary motivation for drinking was always 1. I feel like shit, therefore it will make me feel better or 2. I’ve had this one good thing happen and I desperately wanna hold onto it because everything else is dark. Over the years I can trace my binge drinking habits to depression episodes. But what began to worry me most was in between those binge drinking days was a need to have alcohol in my system in any way possible, whether it’s unnecessary cooking with alcohol, spiking my tea or alcoholic ice cubes and desserts, it was no longer a need to escape but a ‘need’ period.

It took a lot to admit that I have an alcohol addiction, but I got there and I have been working hard to deal with it.

Nevertheless, I had a drink last night, one drink then quickly changed to just a soft drink. We had dinner and all was not lost..

My friend from work was really up to hanging out so I agreed to them coming over to my house for a bit. They bought Gin and some mixers and everyone set themselves up for a drink. I don’t know why but I also had a very weakened Gin and ginger, half a glass at most, having lost most of my interest in alcohol that’s all I had.

I am a little bit disappointed in myself for even tasting alcohol, I benefited nothing from it and in fact it just tasted yucky and made me feel yucky.

But I’m really saddened by the fact that the entire evening, hanging out with those people, who I have considered friends, just didn’t feel right. The conversations were uncomfortable and the environment just didn’t sit right with my spirit anymore. Nothing else has changed but myself.

I’m in a season where God is really rearranging my life and chipping away at things. But I can’t help feel so isolated, everyone that was in my circle has mostly slowly been chipped off, I feel alone.

I have a new church, and life groups I attend. I can connect to those people in a new way, in who I want to be, but the truth is I’m not there. I feel like I have no one to share this journey I’m on with, someone I can confide in when I’m struggling or share with when I have a win.

I have a group of friends that fit in with who I used to be, and a group that fit in with who I want to be(who by the way I’m still learning how to interact and connect with in a meaningful way). And I can’t help but feel I’m still in the middle, and alone.

Maybe that’s how God designed it to be, for it to be just me and God in the middle so that the work can be all God and no human hand messing with it. And maybe I need to pray more to God to bring the right people in my life, to open my eyes and teach me what I need to know in this season.