The view from my insecurities

Before I get into today’s post can I just say, this weekend is our 1 year anniversary of us moving from the city for some good old country living. I have been feeling so many different emotions over this. I wanted to share a post surrounding this but I haven’t been able to unpack what I’m feeling yet.

Instead I decided to talk about insecurities and perspective. I think most people, whether they know it or not have some sort of insecurity. A really big one for me has always been about being unwanted, unloved and just not good enough for people...it’s one I inherited from a very young age.

You see I was born to a teen mother who left me to create a life for herself when I was only a year and half. Growing up my mother was always there, in the background, but we never did have a mother daughter relationship. Our chances of ever developing one was destroyed further by the way we were forced to be together. At 16, in a new country with people who were pretty much strangers to me, it did a number on me, but that’s a story for another day.

What I developed from all this was a feeling that I’m unwanted, unloved and not good enough for my mother, therefore if the woman who carried me, delivered me and nursed me felt like this why would anyone else find value in me.

This really affected my ability to receive love and to form relationships with people whether it’s friends, relatives or romantic partners. I approached each relationship from a point of view of lack, and that I’m only serving a small purpose after which I’m just an inconvenience. And as an “adult” avoiding being an inconvenience was pretty much the centre of all of my relationships.

Something(s) happened to me that made me see things from a different perspective. Moving to a small country town, I have found myself a small community of Africans, it’s been a wonderful experience seeing everyone be so supportive of each other, get together regularly and just be there for each other.

As usual I started to feel kinda of either the odd one out or just unwanted. I noticed that nobody really did ask me for any help, so I started feeling weird about asking for help myself, not wanting to be an inconvenience, then three things started to unfold in the last 4 weeks;

1. I needed to go away for work for almost a week, instead of seeking help from within the community I asked my mother to come and look after the kids. Except everyone around thought it was unnecessary for my mother to come. So almost 2 weeks later I needed to go away for work again, at least 3 people offered to take the kids, before I even asked.

2. The day before my second trip, a friend of mine had an accident at home, she called me for help. As I always do I rushed over, by the end of that night 3 of us were sitting on table talking about parenting and the other two moms commented on how hard things are when their husbands are not around something I can’t comment on. But then they started talking about how they can’t imagine how I manage being a single mom and working full time, and how strong they thought I was.

To be honest it took me by surprise that anyone thought of me like that, as I went to dismiss it, as I do most compliments, my inner voice said ” you don’t recognise your own strength because it’s all you know, they have the full picture”

3. After the above incidents I just went on with my life and almost forgot about it. Until yesterday, after our Friday night prayers, we were all just catching up, the topic of babysitting and helping for one of the moms came up, She’s about to do evening shifts with her work and will need some assistance. I started to feel myself drifting into those feelings of insecurity like I’m just not good enough when the options of who can assist didn’t include me. Then I was reminded first by them that, I have a lot on my plate as it is, and then in my spirit that they are trying not to inconvenience me.

To be honest I’m glad everyone noticed that I’m a little over my head. Even though I do want to serve, and I know if I was called to I would do it. I am not sure where I would find the time or the energy , because by the time I finish work, daycare runs, after school activities, dinner baths and bed, I’m barely half a person.

It was the first time I have ever really seen that maybe I’m not so unwanted or inconvenient as my insecurities make me believe, at least in this situation. And it’s ok.

It reminded me that perspective is everything, and not everything is what you believe it is. It even had me thinking about other areas of my life and situations I felt this insecurity and whether I may have misread the situation.

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