I don’t know what this, if this is what the true meaning of healing is.

I have carried so much shame in my life. I have hated the things I have done, I hated the thoughts I had and the words I said, I have hated the things that have been done to me and the things I allowed to happen to me. At some points I have hated myself..

I have also on and off felt like I have healed, I have told myself I accepted who I am, I have told myself I’m over what happened to me, but the shame never left me, the pain remained there, the memories became chains.

I don’t know what this is, is this true healing, I have recognised so many behaviours and things about my life as chains rather than just part of who I am. I have felt my shame slowly evaporate… but this has been the most profound

I think about the little girl I was before life happened, I feel compassion for her, for what she had to go through. I wonder if God hurt, seeing her go through that..I hurt for her, I shed a tear, she deserved so much more, she deserved not to be yanked out of who she was and forced to do things that hurt her..even if it was her decision.