How far I have come

DM, DM, DM. I love this man but my God he can be frustrating.

this man has literally invaded my world and then stood there and said nope, that’s not it. He’s challenged everything about me and my past and still has questions.

I spent the last few weeks and days wondering, what is it about me? What’s so hard to believe? I know I always been the odd one out but I have never had anyone doubt my core this much. A friend told me,’ it’s not about you it’s him’ but that doesn’t stop me, I have been introspecting every day since.

The one unexpected thing that’s come from this has been peace. I live a life carrying shame guilt and regret but ever since the DM invasion I’m slowly finding peace, I look back into my life then  and my life now and have on more than one occasion heard myself say ‘if that’s what it took to get me here then lord I wouldn’t change a thing about it’

I wish it stopped there but someone is still persistent, so today I found myself looking back at all my old blogs. Remembering the all too familiar darkness, depression and pain, it’s really made me so grateful to be where I am. It also made me realise, In a small way why he’s still pushing. I don’t think anyone who knew me then, anyone who knows me now, can read all those things and believe it was me. There was just so much darkness in my life, a lot of self awareness, accountability and responsibility, a hint of maturity but all of that was covered in a very dark cloud of depression, desperation, self doubt, self harm.

Honestly I don’t know if this man will ever believe I am this person, I don’t know if he will stop expecting things from me that I can’t give, but more important I don’t know why he wouldn’t run the opposite direction when he really learns to accept that’s what I been through, that I’m still a work in progress.

I don’t know if he will ever trust me. Maybe there is something he’s trying to show me, I don’t know.

But I’m so grateful he’s helped me go through this reflection. I really have come a long way and only God could have taken me out of that place, and for that I will always praise him.

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